Thoughts on Rings

Its been a month without a ring on my hand.It feels so amazingly strange.I keep sitting with this feeling, this thought, and these bare hands. It feels wrong. My only jewelry on me is spiritual in nature- 4 piercings in gold. Two lobal piercings, an act of defiance on my mother's mother's part. A statement of defiance. A tool for medeitation. Gold of my soul open in the center to possibility (or full of glitter and light when wearing my solid plugs, still gold). The other two my tragus, to listen to the wisdom of the world and the words of others, and my labret, to act as an oracle when needed by the gods.But my hands are bare now. It feels so strange. Always does when my hands are bare. No bracelets, no rings, just hands. Though occassionally I glance down at my two dots on my hand and smile. That is what they are there for.I keep going back to something my friend Rose spoke of. She married herself. Here vows?All these things I will be to myself:KindRespectfulCourteousHonestGentlePatientLovingGenerousSo mote it be.A simple ring on her hand, a silver knot. I keep sitting and reflecting on it.And I'm not sure how good of a partner I am, to myself.I'm getting better, always getting better. But today I don't feel like I'm the most loving partner to me, let alone would I make the most loving spouse.I keep going back to what my list of desires in relationship are though. For anyone I'm in relationship with...IntegrityHonesty (at least to me)LoyaltyPoliteness/MannersRespectHonorAttention to DetailPrideWillingness to take ActionPassionSpiritFaithLoveDo I live up to these things myself, I find myself asking? Integrity- god damn I try. Honesty, yeah, sometimes to a fault. Loyalty... oi, that one hits like a brick to the gut (or a hammer, as Oz would encourage, as it is a more multi-faceted tool). Am I a loyal human? I try to be, but its a tougher one for me... mostly in giving loyalty in the first place. This one gets hard for me...Manners- I have my bad days. Respect, yeah, most of the time that one is good. Honor- I am good until I am out of spoons and then, sometimes, I know I slip. But the rare days are rare. Attention to detail- always working on it, even if it means I've become list obsessed.Pride- building pride in myself, but pride in the people in my world I have in spades. In fact, I talk more about the people I cherish than I sometimes remember to tell them that they impress the hell out of me. Action- I'm good at action, sometimes challenged at follow through. I start a lot of stuff I intend to finish them realize how much I have bitten off and run out of time for it all. This is one of my challenges to face.Passion- in spades. Spirit- oh yes. Faith- I breathe deep as I type... some days are easier than others, some days it runs like water, some days are tough, but it has rarely left. Love. Oh yes, always love. Even in the darkest of days.Its mid-january.I did not make a vow to myself to live another year. I'm not feeling the need this year. I may change my mind, but for now, I'm making multi-year plans. Its amazing to me that I've been living year to year in promises to not just end it all. Its amazing to me that I don't feel I need it right now. Even on nights like tonight, alone in a big apartment, so hungry for human touch. With such bare hands.Some day I might have the courage to ask for my own hand. But not today.