Going Back
How often do we get to go back and try again? A bit over a week ago I got to step back and hit replay. Turtle and I met at BurningMan in 2001 or 2002, but in the first few months of 2003 we decided to shoot porn together. We'd never been lovers before.
In January 2010 we went back. Same studio. Same backdrop. Different lube. Different genders. Both Turtle and I transitioned from female to male in the past few years... both taking the journey on in our own ways.
Turtle and I had not played in many many years. Not that we haven't stayed in touch- we just have different tastes, different directions, different desires. I think he's a great guy. This was also my first porn shoot with a male photographer since my transition.Turtle and I met up the day before for coffee, just to make sure there was still some sort of spark or chemistry. Because the truth is, it sucks if there isn't. It was still there, but now it was cruising each other as unabashed queer fags as compared to hot chica gender dubious dominatrixes. We also talked life and health realities, to have it out of the way. The next day the 3 of us- Turtle, myself and the photographer, Michael Rosen, sat down for lunch.We decided to re-shoot certain concepts and poses. I'd suck cock, get fisted, and Turtle would have me go down on him. We'd try to get maybe not the same shot, but the same kind of shot...
Walking into the space was like walking back in time. Different prints on the wall, but same artistic vision. Same pad under the back drop. Same... except we were and we weren't.I don't do porn much anymore for a reason. Turtle tried to bite me and it just sucked... and I wasn't sure how to react in front of the camera. Being told to hold or recreate a pose by a white guy not involved in my scene had me dissociate. I was able to anally fist myself, but the gloves being too loose on Turtle's hand just hurt inside my ass. In short, it was really hard.Since my transition began, I've shot some porn with Emmy Van Ewyk with my former partner, Hunter. I shot with IFeelMyself.com, doing gender queer sex porn and interviews on gender. I also did a really fun video shoot with Handbasket Productions, transguy on transwoman porn by crazy feminists from Eugene, shot on a river. None of which I would describe as "standard porn." Hell, the Handbasket folks had 6 kinds of eco-friendly sparkly beverages and organic watermelon on set. It was not classic porn.It was very challenging for me to have some white guy who wasn't in my sex life, wasn't into me, and in short was not there for part of the sex to tell me to hold. I'm being brutally honest. I adore Michael. I love his artistic vision. But between the bad pain and that, I just kept not being me, kept slipping out of body, kept floundering in self...But then we broke from the script. Turtle and I walked sideways from the script and *actually* started playing. Tongues to nipples to cocks to asses stretched wide and him opening me up wide and...
It was hot. It was fun. It was really good. It was... authentic.The reality is, sex without authenticity sucks for me. Sucks for most of us. And the other reality is that I am NOT the person I was 7 years ago. Not sexually, not emotionally. I am the same body, but I am a different human because I have lived between... and stepping back into the same space with the same set does not change that.And to quote my friend Brent Dill- "Remember to put quote marks around all instances of reality."So the first half of the shoot sucked because I did not stand up for me. I went into former me, me that used to regularly do what they were told on porn sets even when they *knew* something else would be hotter/better/more inspiring just because its what the producer wanted. What I should have done? I should have said "let's re-create these 6 exact poses and then play for your camera." But I didn't. I gave away my power because in travelling back in time I thought I needed to. More fool me.Because when I took that power back, got back to doing what Michael actually likes shooting- raw authentic hot sex and intimacy... its when the gold came.The gold of our souls comes from being us, today.
It was a great experience and I am grateful for having gotten to do it. Will I shoot porn again in the future? Likely yes. Especially if I get to do it in my own bedroom (that has never stopped, and certain folks know how to find the footage), or on my own terms, or with my own lovers who are actually my lovers anyway having the sex we would have anyway or taking suggestions from folks who find us hot. I'll likely try to shoot with Trannywood and NoFauxxx for example, or Madison Young or once my tummy is flatter, put in proposals for various projects at Kink.com. Even when equation-built, there is still freshness there.I cheated Michael by not being fresh. I cheated myself. But, in the end my authenticity shone through, and with the help of Turtle, had an absolute blast. And now I know, and knowing is half the orgasm...