Random notes from during the weekend of hooks

These are 2 random entries in my journal mid-weekend. They are random. PLEASE do not post hugs, thoughts of any ideas, etc... just read them, and if you are still moved to write, feel free. But yeah, these are just mid-soul-searching thoughts written for me.Midnight Dec 11-12Strength is never having to pleaseHow does one become their authentic self?Boy shorts, corsets, mustaches and lower back pain. Shaved head, short hair, long hair, pubic hair, a line down my torso down my face two faced two sided back side offered up for the masses and a life worth living buried beneath the potential of the market. I am breathe in I am breath I breathe and feel my skin tingle beneath wool beneath my own beauty and beliefs in what I can be what I am and what I will become.I fear enlightenment- I’m too busy paying the bills. I can’t afford god right now.Deep in my belly a demon grows and yet she’s staring out at the mirror right now hey is your tomorrow right now is everything. I hide the noises, the faces, the loneliness in my belly where other voices should be echoing back and instead I accept a solid solitary voice and pray.Pull on me pull my strings and a tear rolls down, pink wool leaving fluff on my soul.How does one become their authentic self?Open eyes close eyes sleeves left on my skin and a pound of flesh left on the examination table. One less digit, one more time, one more one night stand and One more One. I flash back to poems written screams echoed across time and wonder at previous attempts wonder at previous faces voices of me wonder at TV girl and in doing so see my own face again.I looked in the mirror, and liked what I saw. I remembered a vision and asked why. I wonder will I how can I how can I have the strength I need to never have to please- or is it caught up too much in my own identity, my reflections in the mirrors that others offer up, to find my own reflection in my own eyes- or to do that will I need to claim all of me? How does one claim all of one without going mad?Hello person he said. I almost burst into tears. I see strength in so many others- will I how can I have the strength to be authentic?5:45pm Sunday 12thI am sitting in the storage closet.I did not know how much grief I had built up about death- finally crying for Al D, my grandfather Jack, my great grandmother Kay, David and his golden eyes lost or is he? I hate AIDS because it’s a death sentence with no set length, just a possibility of impending doom.I have 4 hooks in my back- keep pulling off the top 2. Planned to hang off 6, but ya know, I’m not here to impress anyone but me. I don’t have to be perfect at everything. This is where I stop for now. Perhaps I go on perhaps I don’t but the only one it really effects to the core is me- so that’s who I need to worry about.I scream I cy I pull and I vent… but most importantly- I AM.Okay, I'll do a full thought thing later, just had to get these off my laptop and out of my head.