Further reflections on being a slave/submissive, my life, because folks asked questions

"We are either exorcising our demons or exercising them... I'm not sure which- perhaps both."- StriderPouncyKitten spoke in her reply about seeing me as bright and vivacious and strong... not what she would expect in someone who identifies as a slave.I must wholehartedly disagree.At Pacific Friction this year, Sheryl Dee presented an amazing workshop called "Degrees of Power: A Journey to Self". In it, she discussed the varying layers and versions of slavery and servitude... examples in relationship dynamics included:-Do you prefer micromanagement or macromanagement (I will watch all you do, vs. trusting the slave)-Process or Product (do you care about how something is done, vs. just wanting it done)etc. She had 7 or 8 systems... I'll post them all when I get home. She copylefted her idea, so its all good.In this, she adressed that some Owners want slaves that are mindless programmed drones who will jump off a bridge when told to- and others want strong powerful women who are in and of themselves unique and beautiful and strong... but still choose to serve because it fulfils them.I fall in category #2.I identify much of my value as a human being by the people around me. I collect good people. Its what I do. I see my value reflected in the mirrors before me. Yes, some of my strength comes from within... but much of my self-identity is based on what others have shown me I have within. When I am quiet and close my eyes, breathe in the incense and pause to BE- I look at who I am, where I have been, and where I long to go... and that path is lined with hands helping me up, helping me along, and being there to cheer me on.I am surrounded by richness, value, beauty- not in the form of art and wonderful surroundings, thouugh as of late I've had a lot of that too... but more so in the richness, value and beauty of the people who care about me.How could I not give back?Dancer asked me what I got out of scrubbing her floors- was it a scene of some sort? Some sort of tittilation? No- I just like to give to those i care about. I find worth in knowing I make others happy, and in turn, making the world a better place than I found it.When I was in Camp Fire (hi Canyon_Lady!), mi Madre always drilled into me- leave the places we find better than we came upon them. Here I am, giving back, because I think I must leave this whole mess of a world better than I found it. I am a slave to my ideals.Alcestis on the Poetry CircuitThe best slave does not need to be beaten.She beats herself.Not with a leather whip, or with stick or twigs,not with a blackjack or a billyclub,but with the fine whip of her own tongue& the subtle beatingof her mind against her mind.For who can hate her half so well as she hates herself?& who can match the finesse of her self abuse?Years of training are required for this.Twenty years of subtle self-indulgence,self-denial; until the subject thinks herself a queen& yet a beggar- both at the same time.She must doubt herself in everything but love.She must choose passionately & badly.She must feel lost as a dog without her master.She must refer all moral questions to her mirror.She must fall in love with a cossack or a poet.She must never go out of the house unless veiled in paint.She must wear tight shoes so she always remembers her bondage.She must never forget she is rooted in the ground.Though she is quick to learn & admittedly clever,her natural doubt of herself should make her so weakthat she dabbles brilliantly in half a dozen tallents& thus embellishes but does not change our life.If she's an artist & comes close to genius,the very fact of her gift should cause her such painthat she will take her own life rather than best us.& after she dies, we will cry & make her a saint.Erica Mann Jong"Becoming Light"That's my thoughts in much of my life... and one of the reasons I honestly considered suicide on multiple occassions. My own requirements for my being outdo what others demand of me, what the world demands- and yet I demand these things of myself and the world at large.We must be better people.I am strong, powerful, incredible- and thus what else can I be if I believe so wholeheartedly in my grounded self than a slave? In being owned I can have someone who I trust say to me "no, you can stop now"- and trust them... because if I didn't have someone with that power to say that, I would run my soul into the dirt. Or find myself on that rooftop again, or about to open the car door or the speeding vehichle and see my face splattered on the freeway.My life is also art.When I was 12, I saw a retrospective on an artists life. They showed his sketches as a child, his work in modern art, realism, impressionism... and finally his sketches as he died of cancer. I decided to make my sexuality that life-long search- not for capturing the world at large- but for capturing me, and displaying myself. My goal was, and still is, to chronicle my passage through my sexuality through time- not written looking back, one text written at the age of 50... but as seeing the brain and spirit develop throughout time- I am my own performance art.But back to the issue of slavery- I have a deep and abiding desire to be tethered to the earth lest I long to leave it. I have a need to give to those I care for. I have a need to be cherished. I have a need to make the world a better place. I have a longing to add value to lives, rather than drain.slavery is but one term.mother is another.strength.charity.divinity.love?Its one of the reasons I am so torn by my own commodification of my identity- I see so much I have to give, and yet, if I buy into my own hype, I can not be what I need to be this time around. I haven't changed enough lives. Call me Mother Theresa... I just do it through offering a mirror back to all the mirrors who have blessed my life.Where does that put me- questing.I am questing.A bright blessing to the spirit strong enough to hold the leash on a creature so powerful. Lest she burn herself out.St. Brigid gave away all of her fathers belongings. I give away my love, my service, my hospitality, my strength, my desire... and with each giving I become stronger.