PS040 - Gender Journeys and Pleasure Rights

Feb 19

Written By

Episode: https://shows.acast.com/660e243b2f834f0017de9181/episodes/660e2440acbcaf00174d9938

Sharing what we want during sex can be challenging, but having bodies that are different than our identities can add an extra layer of challenge. In this podcast we look at the language and experience of transgender sex, and how to get more of what we want from sex. From exploring our bodies as if they were new to sitting with what to do if life hiccups come in the way, Lee takes us on a walk through his own struggles and provides conversations for everyone to consider, no matter your gender journey. Because we all deserve pleasure.

[music intro]
Announcer:
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Lee:
Hello, fellow adventurers of sexuality and spirit, and welcome to Erotic Awakening with Lee Harrington.

I am so delighted this month to be back on the podcast and bringing in some information that was requested by one of our listeners.

As you heard recently, it was really fun to get to be on the podcast with all five of us from Erotic Awakening, Dan and Dawn, Barak and Sheba, and myself all up on stage with the fantastic crowd from Winter Wickedness.

It was silly, it was delightful, and it was a really good weekend.

But when I posted online that I was going to be teaching a class in San Francisco, I had somebody mail me and ask if I'd be willing to discuss the topic here on Erotic Awakening.

And I thought about it and I went, yeah, this topic is really important to talk about, and not just for what they were looking for, but opening it up to a broader topic.

So what is that topic?

The class that I taught in San Francisco, or maybe I shouldn't say class, the conversational experience that I led in San Francisco and facilitated, is called Reclaiming Our Pleasure Rights, Sexuality, Psychology and Ecstasy for Individuals Outside The Gender Binary and Their Lovers.

It's a big mouthful, but it's an important topic to discuss because as somebody of gender variant experience, of somebody of transsexual journeying, as a gender adventurer, I've had a bit of a challenge over the years, really figuring out that I deserve the sexual pleasure and the sexually authentic delights that others seem to have.

Now, note that last little bit, seem to have.

As we were in our conversation at the fantastic Center for Sex And Culture in San Francisco, which is a fantastic space that holds an amazing sexuality library and hosts a lot of great performances.

And sometimes play events.

The space is run by Carol Queen and Robert Lawrence, who I've had the pleasure of knowing for a while now.

When we had the discussion there, I had a realization in the middle of it that a lot of the things we're talking about aren't just issues for trans people.

So I'm hoping that whether you are transgender, transsexual, genderqueer, cisgender, gendered, nongendered, agendered, or just yourself, my hope is that you'll listen today and that it will plant some seeds and we'll see where they grow.

Now, for folks who don't know, the word cisgendered is the mirror in a lot of ways to transgendered.

Trans, other, to cross over.

So a transgendered or transsexual individual is somebody who started out as one gender and then transitioned to another, or feels as if they belong to a gender other than what they were assigned at birth.

The doctors tend to pick us up and go, oh, it's a boy or it's a girl looking at the space between our legs.

One centimeter by two centimeter space that somehow predicts the entirety of our future, our behaviors and how we're supposed to move in the world.

That you look at me and go, oh, there is a slit.

This is how they're supposed to grow up, and this is how they're supposed to be.

Oh, they're an outie.

This is how they're supposed to grow up, and this is how they're supposed to be.

I think of the Bare Naked Ladies song that has, when I was born, you looked at me and said, it's a good girl, it's a strong girl, it's a pretty girl.

You looked at me and said, it's a good boy, a strong boy.

It's a beautiful piece, and it's so true that here we are, stamped and marked, and for people who are transgendered, it is something different than what we were lifted up and assigned that somehow M became what we are.

And that it's not just about some sort of gender role, because it's believed by some that if we didn't have a strict of gender roles that we wouldn't have a strict of need for a transgendered experience.

But as somebody who has looked in the mirror and gone, this is wrong.

God, this is wrong that here I am standing in the mirror, and this is wrong.

Having been this person, I don't think it's about gender stereotypes.

It's that for some people, a handful, that might be a piece of it, but there are others of us who that is not the experience.

Now, the opposite side is cis-gendered.

Cis, the same.

Therefore, they are somebody who was assigned female at birth and still experiences themselves as female.

They are somebody who is gender-congruent rather than incongruent.

I think it's a useful term for conversation because sometimes words like born male or somehow real male or, you know, dudes who are really dudes are conversations that come up and it's a problem.

It doesn't allow for actual conversation of what's happening for people of transgender and transsexual experience because when somebody says, I am male-bodied, inferring that they have a penis, well, if I'm in conversation with a trans male individual, their body is male too.

They just happen to be an any.

So being able to say, assigned male at birth, actually even that doesn't tell us what's going on between their legs because I've met cis male individuals, male-born male individuals, whose cocks are 11 inches long and as thick around as a Coke can.

And to be honest, don't get a chance to use it very much because as far as penetration is concerned, or oral sex, or even hand jobs, because that can cause pain for your partners and can cause other issues too with health.

And I've met people who even when erect are still innies because of the shape of how their pelvis is built, who are male-born males, who all have phalluses but who are lined up a little bit differently.

I've met female-bodied individuals which are ranging from cis-female to trans-female.

And I've met women-born women or whatever terminology we're using in this moment who have clitorises that are almost two inches long and some whose clitorises are invisible.

Some whose vaginal cavities are short and narrow, some who are wide and open.

I think of Storm And The Balls and her song My Vagina Is 8 Miles Wide.

Everybody Can Come And Feel Happy Inside.

I love that song.

It's absolutely hilarious.

I'm going to include the link to the music video because it reminds me of my old hometown, Portland, Oregon.

But the variety of bodies we are given, cis or trans or otherwise, are so amazingly different.

And then we look at all the varieties of, not just gender, but sex in between, gender, how we move and operate in the world, sex, how our bodies are, and their different experiences.

Now, we look at all of that stuff, and then we get to look at how we have sex.

And mind you, sex is so many different things to so many different people.

Is it penile penetration?

Digital, i.e.

hands, knowledge of Walkmans.

Penetration, is it inside our ass, inside our vagina?

Is it inside our urethra, our mouth, our ear?

I don't know, right?

Is it involves some sort of oral stimulation?

Does it involve vibration, sensation?

Is it sex if we are masturbating?

Is it sex if we are involved with a whole group of people?

Is it sex if no one comes?

Is it sex if we use some sort of protective barrier?

Or is it not sex in those cases?

It's confusing.

And when I bring up the word sex to someone, I can't assume these things.

I mention that because it's tricky sometimes when someone says, oh, a man hasn't had sex with a woman unless his penis has entered her vagina.

And if that's the case, what happens to trans men?

Will trans men who have never had a phalloplasty, will they ever be able to have been considered to have had sex with their wives?

So I bring up those behaviors around sex because when we talk about getting the sex we want, for any of us, we need to know what sex can mean.

Does sex mean intimacy?

Does sex mean pleasure?

Is sex a rote behavior that one simply does to go through the motions?

Is sex fun?

Is sex a chance to connect?

And whatever sex is behavior-wise, why are we doing it?

What's the point of this entire exercise?

We deserve pleasure in all of its forms, and by we, I mean transgendered people, but by we, I mean us, all of us, you.

You.

You deserve pleasure.

So with that in mind, I got to sit down with folks, and we were talking about this notion, and realized that we have sex for so many different reasons.

And one of the reasons that wasn't brought up until the end of that discussion, and it's a tricky one, is that sometimes we have sex because it validates us.

If I am with a heterosexual woman, and I am a man and we have sex, it reaffirms my maleness in some ways.

If she goes down on her, and her lover happens to have a clit on a stick, and as a lesbian couple, they have sex, it can reaffirm that she is a woman.

And it's not just a trans issue, folks.

The number of guys I remember talking to in college who were like, yeah, I'm a man, I had sex with that hot chick last night, that we look down, up, over, and to the side to our lover, and there they are, reflecting back what we're hoping to see in the mirror, that they look at us and say, you are beautiful, you are hot, you are sexy, that they say, I want you.

And there I was, worrying that I had a few too many rolls of chub, there I was thinking I was too skinny, there I was, wondering if I was too gangly, too bulky, too their eyes.

I look into their eyes and there I am, wanted, desired, loved.

There are times when I'm at home and I look in the mirror, it's still wrong, that I worry and I sweat and it's hard.

And for me, it happens to be around body challenges, it's looking between my waist and my knees and not doing very well with it.

And other times it's around folds of skin or pimples, scars, that's called being human, I hear.

And I know that we're supposed to be able to rise above that, that bodies are just bodies, right?

That we are eternal, amazing, beautiful beings, and I know that to be true.

I've been backwards and forwards and yet, and yet, I look in the mirror and some days it's wrong.

But when I look in my lovers' eyes, and they say, yeah, I see you for the man that you are.

It's profound, it's beautiful, it's amazing.

And other times I look in their eyes, and I realize it's hard for them to.

And that's not a bad thing.

It's simply what it is.

And that's not something faulted on anyone's part.

It's simply what it is.

And within that context there are times when I want to say out loud, that's right, suck my cock.

That's right, slide my dick into the back of your throat.

That's right, touch me, play with me, hold me, use me.

Another times I can't.

Because I might say, I want you to suck my cock, and they pause a moment and say, which one?

Because on my body that could mean a strap on.

On my body that could mean my grown out clitoris, that my body, it could be masturbating my astral cock that feels right on the other side of the dreams, but isn't here when I look down.

Sometimes I want to say it and I'm scared, because I feel like I'm too greedy.

Sometimes I want to say something and I just go silent, because I want to go with the flow, because I don't want to ask, I want my partner to just know, I want my partner to just know.

And sometimes I don't open my mouth, because I'm afraid they'll say no.

And that's not a trans issue, right?

It's just being.

It's easier, I find, when I've been in relationships that are open to vulnerability.

It's easier when people say, it's okay, I want to hear, tell me what you want.

Let me know it all.

Let me know it all.

And I will be open and listen.

And they will be open and listen and say, tell me more.

And if I ask for something they don't get, instead of saying, what?

Why would you want that?

They'll say, huh, tell me more.

What about that gets you hot?

Show me how you like it.

Let me watch you first.

I like it sometimes, instead of negotiating it all out with words, that there is that chance that we have choices there.

There are some people for whom setting all of the lines and advances profoundly comforting and takes care of all the fumbling in the dark or the fumbling in the light, depending on where we're fumbling, right?

That if I say I really enjoy having hands play with the right hand side of my shaft and rubbing up and down, but not too much pressure.

Or if I say I really like this thing, but this other thing is really hard for me.

Or if I lay out the entirety of the contract of what we're going to get into and not get into for the entirety of our relationship or for tonight, it lays the groundwork ahead of time and I don't have to spend those awkward moments because I have the script already.

And scripts can be awesome.

That I know what we're going to get up to tonight.

That I know my moves.

That maybe we've even rehearsed ahead of time.

And I know that it could be great.

And there's other times where I don't want to say a single word.

I want you to grab me from behind, pin me down, hold me, use me.

I don't want to know.

I don't want to consent.

I don't want to be.

The only thing I want to have consented to is that I trust you.

And that is a profound act of trust.

But for some people that's what it is.

Let me be psychic.

Let you be psychic.

But it's not just psychic in some places.

It is knowing me.

You know my twitch.

You know my turn.

You know what it means when my chest rises up into the air and my breath catches.

My breath catches and you know what it means.

It's not being psychic.

It's knowing me.

It's not being psychic.

It's knowing us.

But to expect our partner, our lover, that person we just met on the dance floor on Craigslist, to know what it is and to not be able to step up for our desires and our needs, our wants, our hopes, our dreams, our aching loins, our palpating breath when we just go do with me what you will, unless we have a fetish for do with me what you will, and you know what?

Some of us have that fetish to be used, to be objectified, to open up our legs and be taken no matter who comes.

Unless we are coming from that framework, it's worth considering that these people do not know us, that for them we are chest rises and our breath catches, we are playing off of their stories, that we are a projector screen that their history is playing upon, and they will look at that catch and go, oh, my last girlfriend did it too, and that's what it meant for her.

The back of their mind is going to be saying, oh, when their ass clenches up like that, it means they want more.

Even if maybe on our body, even in our body, it might mean that hurts.

Gods, let it stop, please, let it stop, please.

They're working with our projections and we're working with ours.

It's not always real.

It's not really the two of us playing.

It's two projector screens working back and forth.

But for some trans people, I know that hunger to be seen for what we are can make us make stupid choices.

For those of us beyond trans issues as well who don't think we deserve love and that we interpret love as also being touch, who don't think we deserve touch.

And in those cases, I've seen people go, I don't care what you want to do with me, just see me as the man I am.

I don't care what you want to do with me, just see me as the woman I am.

Just see me.

Just touch me.

Just use me.

Don't let me be alone another night.

And in those moments, we make stupid choices, folks.

In those moments, I've seen people make stupid choices.

Choices around unsafe sex, choices around dangerous setups, choices around going beyond our safe words, choices that don't feel necessarily like choices at the time sometimes.

They feel like an emotional desperation, clawing at the pit of the belly.

So what that means is that if we're going to get the sex we want, we have to also have the self-worth to believe that we're valued enough to be of value.

And to also sometimes be in situations where we are safe enough, not sometimes where we should be in situations, period, where we are safe enough to say, Can I have more of that?

That.

That feels amazing.

Can we do that in a different position?

Wow, I know you're really trying to get in there, but what would be extra special is if we could do this as well, or instead of.

What do you think about doing this?

Let's try this.

I'd like this.

It would mean a lot to me if we could do this.

And that, too, to be able to say those words with bravery means knowing ourselves.

And now there's some of you who are probably going, you want me to open up my mouth and say those words, that that's not going to happen.

That's not going to happen.

Especially if we don't necessarily have words to talk about what we're talking about.

Because if I am as a trans man, as a transgender and transsexual man, it might be really hard for me, and there are certain times when it is really hard for me, to say I would really like while you are sucking me off, to put a finger in there.

That I can't necessarily say vagina or cunt or pussy, even if I might be able to use those words here on a podcast, in that heat of the moment, saying those words will take me out of my manhood, even if it's what physiologically I want.

But I don't want that then to say those words, because then I'm not experiencing myself in the ways that my mind is experiencing myself in the way that my neurofeedback is coming up into my mind.

It doesn't feel right to say those words.

So instead, I grab their hand and slide it down my body and move it up right from the bottom of my cock, and I look down with eyes that are smoldering and burning and smirk.

Or I look down and say, please, depending on where my mindset is, if I have the bravery for those moments.

Sometimes it comes in the feedback afterwards to be able to say, you know what, it would have been really nice if I could have, and no, you didn't do anything wrong.

No, please don't think you did anything wrong.

But next time, could we?

It would be nice if.

How about we try?

And if I don't have the words for it, it's okay.

The touch, the desire, show me how you like it.

Let me watch you.

And that's not necessarily in words, because sometimes the way that I have negotiated is hand in hand pulling each other into each other's body, hands moving to hips, me grabbing their hips and pulling it down the front of my thigh.

After all, that's a form of communication too, right?

Our words are only a small percentage of how we share information.

That it's also tonality, the difference between once upon a time there was a boy, and once upon a time there was a boy.

That I communicate different information with the inflection of my being.

But I also communicate with my body positioning.

I communicate with how much I am leaning in.

I'm communicating with the quiver of my lip.

I am communicating with the sachet of my hips.

I am communicating every moment of every day.

And that could be challenging sometimes for some transgendered folk, because our body is communicating unconsciously with the linguistical system that was taught to us as what it was to be in our birth gender.

It's what confuses people sometimes about what is being communicated by people who are femme or butch, no matter what gender they are.

Because there's a combination of signals in those, not just the audio tone and not just in the words we're saying, and not just what we've chosen in those formalities, but in our body language as well.

But if I want to communicate these things verbally, non-verbally, through dropping little notes into somebody's, I don't know, fortune cookies, if I am doing it by writing hot porn and leaving them copies, if I am doing it by leaving out a porn video or watching it with them and seeing how they react, whatever it is, I need to know what I want.

Now, sometimes we don't know.

After I transitioned, I had medically transitioned, I had to rediscover my body because I kind of knew what I liked.

In fact, I knew pretty well.

I had been practicing for a lot of years before I transitioned.

I practiced for a lot of years and figured out, you know what, these are some of my favorite sexual positions.

I even made a list of them.

I knew that, you know what, this is the kind of oral sex that I like, but I'm not a big fan of oral sex.

But once I started medically transitioning, my body changed.

Once I didn't have a cervix anymore, it wasn't really possible to have cervix-banging sex because there's not a cervix there anymore, and it feels really different.

If I do anything in my front hole, it feels really different compared to what it used to do.

It's not bad, it's just different.

And I don't do as much stuff up there anymore because part of it's my gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia challenges.

Part of it's that I just not that into it right now.

But I like oral sex in different ways because my body's laid out differently.

I personally believe that every couple of years we should just pretend we don't know our bodies.

Just pretend we don't know them, that we are new to exploring our flesh suits.

That would be great.

In fact, I challenge you at home.

Set a date with yourself.

With a lover, if you so prefer, but perhaps with yourself, where you touch your body and pretend you don't have the assumptions you already know.

Because a lot of us, quote, know that we like very light touch on our nipples or very hard touch on our nipples.

We, quote, know that already.

But what if we didn't know these things?

What if we were going to explore?

What if we were going to take a piece of rabbit fur or clothespin and play with our chest with different sensations?

What if we handed over to our lover our body for half an hour and said, let's figure out how this works.

What if they oiled up their hands and played with our balls, touched them, pulled on them, nippled at them?

What would it feel like if they pulled down after wrapping a hand around both balls and slowly tugging?

Instead of saying, I don't like touching my balls, what would happen?

Now, if you know for sure, because, no, really, anytime somebody touches your balls, you want to kick them in the face, so be it.

But what if we didn't have our assumptions?

What if we got a giant list of all of the different ways that a phallus could be licked?

And we tried every single one and made up some new ones, too.

Let's give it a try.

Okay, probably not right now, especially if you're driving.

Let's not do that.

Let's maintain road safety, okay?

But I challenge you to give it a try, to set aside your assumptions of how you know your body works and try something different.

Figure out what you want to have on your body.

Just explore.

Figure it out without the words, especially for those of us who are gender journeying or journeying with bodies that we're challenged by.

Turn off the lights or close your eyes and feel.

And if it's hard, if you reach a part of your body that just, like what you reach physically doesn't match up with what you have in your head, it's okay.

You can go into your head.

You can experience what's happening in your head.

It doesn't have to be a bad thing.

Don't suffer through the challenge.

That's not the point of this.

This is about figuring out pleasure.

And sometimes those moments of pleasure are hard, especially if they don't match up.

I know I've had times where I look down in the middle of something really hot happen and I went, Oh God, that's, I shouldn't have looked.

And in those moments, sometimes it goes a little awry.

Sometimes I pause and freeze.

Sometimes it's laughable.

I just laugh it off.

And sometimes a dildo bounces away.

And sometimes a cock or clitorna stick springs up from underneath underwear.

And sometimes it doesn't work quite right.

If you are a lover or play partner or partner of somebody who is challenged by their body, it can be pretty challenging too.

You are not alone in going through those things.

To see your lover have to stop and put their stuff back together or in the middle of a really hot play, seeing them cry out of nowhere, seemingly out of nowhere, you are not alone.

It can be a really tough path to walk.

But it's not your fault that something went sideways.

And even if it was something like you shouldn't have called it a blank, if you didn't know to not call it a pussy or a cock, if you didn't know it's not actually your fault, it means that you didn't know something.

And it means that something got brought up for them, for your lover, for your partner, for this friend, for this friend for the night, for this friend for a lifetime.

Something came up.

Kindness.

I would like both of you to treat each other with kindness and compassion and respect.

You who are hurting and in pain, I would argue that both of you are.

And it's really tricky sometimes, I'd say, when you who wanted it all to be perfect for this amazing trans lover of yours, he wanted it all to be perfect, and it's not.

Sometimes these things happen.

But a person who is struggling through this challenge you still have a choice.

Do you in that moment say, I never deserved love or touch or passion.

It will never be right.

Or do you take a moment, a breather, and dive back in?

Or do you laugh it all off and go, Oh my God, that's ridiculous, especially if you're now dickless.

Or do you breathe and you go in and you fake it till you make it?

Or do you kiss them sweetly and move on to something different?

Or do you pause for now, curl up next to them, cry for a little while, and say, can we try that again?

Or depending on the dynamic of your relationship, curl up for a while, then grab them by the back of the hair, slam them down onto the bed and say, let's do that again, shall we?

It's okay to have any of those responses.

And I encourage you to think about whether the responses you're having are serving you in the long term.

Does saying we can't ever do this right.

Does saying it will never be right.

Does that help you actually get what you're looking for?

And if not, why are you doing it?

For some of us, it's because it's the only system we've known how to do is to just go, you know what, didn't work, shut it down, I don't want to get hurt again.

And I'm sorry that that's how you felt.

And I'm not saying that because, oh, poor you, I'm saying it because I get it.

I've been there too.

But take some time and really look at how much that is serving you and what you're going to do instead.

Or if you found some of these that work amazingly for you, then dive into your awesomeness, dive into your excellence.

Look at what you want to have touched and show what you want to have touched.

Look at how you want it to be used.

Show what parts of you delight.

Write little nasty notes.

Look at nudity and whether nudity is serving you.

And if what works for you is to still be wearing your binder and your packie, to have your chest be flat and your cock bulging, as your lover goes down on you and slides inside you at the same time with a well-looped ass, if that's how you feel like a man, you don't have to not do it.

And if anybody ever says you're not really doing it unless...

You are.

They've got a different agenda.

Whatever their agenda is, they have a different agenda.

You are allowed to do it however serves you.

Play to your agenda, your pleasure, your bliss, your authenticity as long as it harm none.

And help your lovers do the same.

Give them space that if they bring you a thing and say, hey, I'd like to try X, Y, and Z, say, tell me more about what X, Y, and Z does for you.

Or look at it as a laboratory and try it out in the name of science.

You don't always know whether you would like lavender ice cream until you've tried lavender ice cream.

So take a deep breath.

Respect yourself.

Respect those around you.

Be compassionate to their journey and to yours.

Remember that you deserve excellence.

Be authentic.

Remember that we're all trying to figure it out, even those who look like they know and have it all together.

We're all trying to figure it out.

You're not alone.

This has been Erotic Awakening with Lee Harrington.

You can find me online at passionandsoul.com.

And I hope that until next time that you stay true to you.

Follow your bliss, follow your delight, and let's all make the world a better place by being erotically authentic and authentic in every other way possible.

Take care.

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