PS009 - Going Offroad: Jute, Authenticity, Challenges and Love
On this month's podcast, I go offroad by setting out without a pre-set map. We begin at Rope Camp, and find ourselves wandering through trying out new rope, awareness, love, connection, tribal affiliations, the meaning of "I have to" and a little bit of porn thrown in...
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Boy in the ball is Aiden Fyre.
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Lee:
Hello, fellow adventurers of sexuality and spirit, and welcome to Erotic Awakening with Lee Harrington.During this monthly show, appearing on the third Monday of every month - give or take a little bit - I usually announce a topic ahead of time, let people drop in emails to lee@passionandsoul.com, and have a whole bunch of cannon fodder, a whole bunch of material, a whole bunch of adventures already ready to go before we start every month, when we talk about sexuality, spirituality, authenticity, connection, kink, all kinds of other stuff.
But this month, we're about to go all-terrain, go off the road, go into the great wide open, because unlike my other podcasts where I've announced ahead of time, last month I got excited. Last month I had an interview with Mollena Williams, Dan, and dawn, talking about consent, intention, saying yes to our individual journeys, the differences between silence and actually embracing our truths, all of that kind of stuff. And I forgot to announce my show topic.
And since I did not announce my show topic, it means people weren't able to send stuff in, and all of that kind of stuff. And as a note, if you want to listen to that podcast or any of my shows that I've been on in that meantime, because I've been on some other podcasts in the last few months, you can find all of those over at passionandsoul.com/audio.
So it actually turns out that this was for the best. And the reason I say that is I've been a little bit under the weather. I've had some medical flare-ups concerning some long term health concerns. And that means I probably wouldn't have been in the right headspace for doing the original topic I was considering.
So I'm going to take the show out into the world of adventure, see what happens. I've got a couple of notes and a few ideas of where I'm going to go today. But this is an adventure. So buckle up, listeners at home, or at work, or listening on public transit, or sitting out in the world at large somewhere out there. Let's buckle up, get some water, because remember hydration keeps you wet. And let's get started.
So the first place I'd like to have this adventure go starts at Rope Camp. Now, Rope Camp was a brand new event this year at one of my favorite places in the world, Ramblewood Retreat in Northern Maryland. And Rope Camp is produced by the same folks who do Sacred Sexuality Beltane, Free Spirit Gathering, which is an all-ages pagan event - Beltane is a sacred sexuality event. They also run Fires of Venus. And the folks there at Turtle Hills Production decided to put together their first kink-only conference, and that's a pretty big jump for people who aren't familiar with all these different sub-communities of sex and kink and all that stuff.
It's a pretty different bundle of human beings when we talk about BDSMers, as compared to Leatherfolk, as compared to sacred sex individuals, as compared to Tantra explorers, all that kind of stuff. A lot of crossover, but they're not identical experiences. So, to see this new adventure not just into BDSM, but specifically into rope was very cool.
It was an intimate event, I'd say about 150 people or so in their first year, which actually for a first time SM conference is pretty darn good. And there were educators from all over the place: Midori, Scott Smith, David Lawrence, Boss Bondage, myself, Murphy Blue, a really fantastic lineup of rope people.
And I got there a couple of days late. I was supposed to be there on Wednesday, I, like I said, had some challenges, got there on Friday evening. After we got in, unloaded our stuff into the cabin, the space that we were staying in for the weekend, we - and we were lucky, we got there, well, actually, I shouldn't say lucky, because there's a really amazing thing that happens when you stay in cabin groups, where you get this really immersive experience where it's kink and friendship and all of that, you know, 24 hours a day, seven, well, three days a week for the three-day weekend. And I am a little sad I didn't get to hang out with Murphy and Margo and that whole crew for the whole weekend.
But we stayed in our own little tiny room up at the White House. And after we unloaded everything and set up the space and got everything prepped, we went over to the dungeon. And “we,” by the way, is my Boy, AidenFyre, and myself.
As I showed up, there is Graydancer, who runs the Ropecast, the rope podcast, in a pair of silver lamé metallic disco ball underwear and leather chaps and not much else, tying up Lookout, who is a “known rope quantity,” as it were, out in the Midwest, while Dov from New York and Lochai, who used to help run things over there at Hogtied, and whatnot, and everything but, at kink.com, are doing this thing that I don't quite know how to describe. I caught the very end of it. There's a broken paddle, there's disco ball underwear, there's a naked Lookout struggling and suffering, and Lochai being very zen, tying up a beautiful girl over to the side, surrounded by a room - a dungeon full of people all watching this strange game that happened.
Surrealism, I think, was a slice of the experience at Rope Camp, as was getting to see a lot of people I've known in the rope community for a really long time let their hair down. Play, explore. One of the things that I loved about Rope Camp, because I go to a lot of events, I really do. And this is not to say that Rope Camp is better or worse than anything else that I've been to, but there were certain things that stood out.
One thing that I loved is that they had, specifically Scott Smith, had gone around the property and had suspended, ahead of time, drop points on all of the load rate - like the load-bearing checked trees. Living healthy, happy trees, that had big sturdy branches for doing outdoor suspensions.
Now, I don't know for all the rope people at home who are used to playing indoors, seriously, check out playing outdoors sometimes. Whether it's hanging out with Murphy Blue and his crew doing rope bombs, or RiggerJay up in Boston doing his impromptu outdoors play, or whether it's going to an event like Dark Odyssey or Rope Camp that has an outdoor play space, go for it, do it.
The second layer that made this really interesting at Rope Camp was that they had a really interesting photo policy. A lot of kink events have a no-photo policy or a “we have a specific staff photographer and only if you sign a pre-release waiver will we allow you to do photos.” It makes sense. A lot of people don't want to worry about whether photos of them are going to show up somewhere on the internet doing risqué and kinky things. I get it. I totally get it, and I really, really respect it given that I have friends of mine who do have sensitive jobs, and that it would be inappropriate to have that get out in the world.
But Rope Camp decided to have a photo policy where everyone was allowed to use cell phones on property, including cell phone cameras, and photo - take actual camera-cameras anywhere they wanted to go. However, you had to have explicit permission of anyone who ended up in the foreground or background of any image, and if you were pulling out your cell phone, you were asked not to do so in the dungeon, unless it could explicitly be seen that you were taking a photo of your partner, and then putting your phone away.
They did not do model releases, they did not do any of that stuff, they just had everybody know that's what the rules were going to be for the camp ahead of time. And because of that, people who were really concerned about photos being taken of them chose not to show up to the event, or were able to be hyper-conscious ahead of time of where they were and making sure not to get into any sort of photoshoots that they didn't intend to be part of.
But the great thing about that is, that it meant that when Aiden and I played that weekend, and we got to play a fair amount, which was such a delight. I don't know about other folks, but when I've been having a lot of uncertainty in my world, when I've been having a lot of time where I felt out of control of my own body, and all of that kind of stuff, the opportunity to reconnect with my partner through physicality is such a gift.
To see that look in their eyes that says, “no, we're okay, and I love you, and it's gonna be good.” And to also hear it out of their mouth, those two things combined to me are a really fueling experience.
There are some kink events that leave me a little bit drained, that have at the end of it have me going, “oh, god, can I just go home for two days and recover?” And Rope Camp was not one of those for me, even though I had a couple of moments that felt like that, I had at the end of the weekend, a really rejuvenating experience, and a large part of it was due to the fact that my Boy and I got to spend some really powerful time with each other.
So it meant that when I had him tied up, in the pool, with our friend Del having thrown us a floaty toy thing to shove in a mouth and do all that - when this wackiness happened that involved a giant inflatable pool ball from passionalboutique.com, that had him tied up like in a ball, then pushed out over the water and screaming because he's afraid of the water and all of that stuff, I had a chance to pull out my camera and take a photo, and be able to have this moment that's just crystallized in my mind, that's really fun, really beautiful, and was emblematic of us building trust within our relationship, that I'm able to have that document in my hand to remind myself to have that mnemonic opportunity, that mnemonic device that's able to remind me that, “oh, that's what it felt like, that's what that moment encapsulated for me” when I pull out that image. And I was really delighted about that.
Now, the flip side of big events is, like I said, that they drain you, right? And I will say that I had a really negative moment at Rope Camp, and my really negative moment came from the fact that I had an epiphany. My epiphany was that we use, in our culture - especially in the culture that I seem to run with - we tend to use “how are you,” instead of “hello,” as a greeting.
Now, you know what? I get it. “Hey, how's it going? How are you doing? What's going on?” I get it. It's a - it's a greeting of sorts, but it felt so inauthentic, so vapid. I'd say, I mean, actually counted at one point, and at one - like between Friday night and Saturday evening, I had at least 30 people say, “hey, how are you!” - running by, 40 miles an hour. They weren't stopping. They weren't asking.
And I had two people stop and say, “hey, how has it been going? I saw your tweet, I saw your whatever, and I'm concerned.” And it was people who actually wanted to take the time and the energy and the effort to ask me. And you know what? I'm not asking from the world, to have everybody stop and ask me that because I don't have the time.
I don't necessarily want to tell a random person who's been sitting in one of my classes, that - maybe once - or who's seen my name somewhere, in a book - to actually sit down and have a 45-minute discussion with me about the details of how my life is going. I'm not asking for that, but I think it was a really interesting moment for me to realize how much our culture does that. Does this 40-mile-an-hour drive by, “hey, how's it going, hey, anyway, I'll see you later, bye.”
When they're not asking, “hey, how's it going?”
They're asking, “hi, see me, see me, hi, I'm asking you really quickly, hey, how's it going,” so that you'll ask me, how's it going? Or perhaps, “hey, how's it going,” so that I can then say, “hey, bye,” so I can prove that I was there, and that you were there, and we were both there in that moment and we said hi to each other.
And I get it, I get that longing to connect, and I'm starting to use hi.
I'm starting to use “heya,” or “hi Murphy, great to see you,” or “hey Dov, glad you're in my presence again,” or… “Hello,” with a smile and a moment with eyeballs locking and touching for that moment and then letting it go. Because there's a lot of us that don't really want to have 45-minute in-depth discussions because A, we don't have the time, B, we don't have the energy, and C, we don't really actually want to have that type of connection right now. I want to have a 15-second authentic deep connection, and “hey, how are you” is not that, to me at least.
To me, it breathes of desperation, and it breathes of “I want to connect with you, but we live in a digital world that has me going by at 40 miles an hour, and I'm saying this because I miss those 45-minute discussions we used to have, and I want to encapsulate them into a single Twitter feed.”
I get it, and I too am hungry for them, but you know what? I had a moment where I was low on spoons, low on energy, ready to curl up in a ball, and fold into my partner, and let the world go away - and some individual who I've met twice, in passing, at conferences, runs up to me and says, “oh my god, it's so, we're so glad you're here, it's so amazing, I have to give you a hug.”
Have to.
And without asking, without waiting, without pausing to see if I was okay, without really checking in in any way, shape, or form, they rushed into where I was in a very small, intimate discussion circle, rushed up, hugged me full force, and then ran away.
And I paused, and I took a deep breath, and I smiled, and I breathed it out, and I shook my head, and I bit my lower lip. And my friend, BendyYogaGirl, looked at me and said, “they had to hug you, huh?” And I said, yeah, they had to hug me.
They had to hug me.
And she laughed and said, “well, maybe you have to punch them in the face.” [laughs] And you know what, I had to burst out laughing, because if that's the case, if we feel this internal emotion inside our bodies that we have to do something, where does consent come into play? Where does the feelings of other people come into play? Where does that emotional body experience?
And it wasn't me getting mad at the person who did it, I was actually incredibly grateful. What I felt was this realization of, “oh, wait, when do I do that to other people?” What's the last time I went up and said, “oh, hey, hug, I really need to hug you.”
I need, I need, I need, I need, I need, I need, I need, I need, I need, I need…. [trails off into whisper]
Because did I really need?
And maybe you know what, maybe she did.
And maybe giving her that last half-teaspoon that I had was enough for me to bottom out at empty for a quarter of a second, and have a friend see that vacuum inside my heart and breathe into me. And fill me with laughter, and joy, in the anecdote that I had. In which case, fantastic. I'm glad she filled her need. I'm glad that moment was something that satisfied her. I just hope it actually satisfied her.
Because if it didn't, then why? Why do we do this to each other? Why do we, as spiritual communities, as sexual communities, as individual human beings on this planet, why do we have engagements that drain other people, but don't actually give us anything? That seems like a sum loss on this planet, and I don't know how good of an idea that is.
Now, as I mentioned, I also had really fueling time at Rope Camp. And one of my fueling times came in the form of jute rope. Actually, to be honest, jute rope - jute, the material, the organic fiber that is spun into a material that is used by a number of erotic bondage practitioners. Jute. I don't use jute. Historically, I don't really use jute, which is not true. I used to use jute, back when I worked for japanrope.com, which doesn't really run anymore, and knotnice.com, which is still in archives. And it was a company that was importing Japanese rope into the United States. And the guy who ran that for a number of years, totally nice guy, loved working for him. And when I worked for him, I used his rope because it was good rope.
But I'm not a jute dedicant. I tend to use hemp rope or MFP. I like them as materials, there's nothing wrong with jute. I just don't experience it as a thing of pleasure.
And Aiden and I, it was Saturday afternoon, and they had a vendors' mall, where they took the pavilion at Ramblewood and they turned it into seven or eight different rope and rope-like vendors, all vending in one space, which was fantastic.
And the reason I say fantastic, and I don't mean that as an overstatement. I mean it as fantastical, beautiful, awe-inspiring - was that my Boy, for his first time, got to go around and pick up hemp rope, Romanian hemp rope, Hungarian hemp rope, Japanese hemp rope, American-grown and homespun hemp rope, jute rope, manila rope, coconut husk rope, MFP, polyester, silk, bamboo, electrified rope, unmanila, cotton blend, cotton-poly blend, and pick all of these things up and shove them in his face.
And shove them in his face, and smell them, and taste them, and run them through his hands and go, “whoa, I didn't know it was like that” or “wow, I can compare them side by side.” And there was another student of mine who was there that weekend and a reader from my books who had two giant bags full of rope. He said, “I thought I knew about rope. I thought I got it. And then I got to go to the vendor mall.” [laugh] And then I got to pick them up and smell them and smell the guys at, I smell Jack ElFrink's giant collection, and the folks at Venus Ropes, and the folks at Madame Butterfly, and her, all of her stuff, and get to hold them all, and Boss Bondage, and Rainbow Rope, and a couple of other vendors who I'm not remembering right now. Please forgive me.
And it's a really mind-blowing experience for people who are into rope or think they might be to go and be like, “Oh, I didn't realize that bamboo could feel sensual on my skin and it would have no friction moving back and forth.”
And Aiden picked up the jute rope that was at bossbondage.com and picked it up and smelled it and was like, “Sir, this is really neat. I mean, I've had jute rope on a couple of times, but you've never played with jute with me. Why is that?”
And I said, you know what? The reason is because I'm not confident with it. It hurts my hands. I become hyper-aware with jute rope because I can't pull it through fast. It's not broken in. With hemp rope and with multi-filament polypropylene, I can let the world fall away, and I can focus on my partner, and I don't have to think about the rope at all, it becomes this afterthought. The rope becomes just this extension of my hands, and I don't have to even be conscious. I can just tie, because my body memory has reminders of when I learned that takate kote, or when I learned that, you know, that body harness or when I learned that, and my brain doesn't have to remember. My brain and my heart can go on to other things while my body dances for me.
He's like, “oh, I get that, but I kind of like it.”
And so Boss challenged me.
He's like, “hey, what happened to that fucking West Coast Asshole I used to know who used to be so mean? Use the mean rope. Use the rope that really messes them up. That's really cool.”
And so I picked up that piece of rope, and I consciously and slowly used a tester piece, and tied up my boy while he was trying to have a conversation with the producer for Kinky Geeky, Jeff. And as they're trying to have this conversation, I'm just trying out a tie that I know, and I'm having to move slow.
And I'm having to move consciously. And it sucked.
It sucked. It was so hard.
I had to be present, and I had to go back to this beginner stance, and I had to take my tie step by step, and slow it down. And it was hard. And so I did it a second time, just to see if it was a first time jitters thing. And nope, nope, the second time was hard. The second time made me be there. The second time I breathed through it, and tried, and had to slow down even further because I couldn't wrap, and move, and pull, and do all those crazy hojo ties. I could, but it hurt my partner when I wasn't intending to hurt them.
And I want pain to be consciously chosen. I want my partners to be pain connoisseurs who enjoy the intentional hurt and harm I deliver to their form. I don't want to accidentally pinch. I don't want to pull across and make them scream and strain when I was just trying to be there and be present. I don't like that historically.
And so, what did I do? I went and talked to Aiden about it. I told him my experience with it, and he's like, “so you don't want to get the rope?” And I'm like, that's not what I'm saying. It's not what I'm saying at all, actually. And it took me about an hour to figure it out, maybe a little bit more. And we went back and bought the rope. Five pieces, 30 foot in length each, or something in that range. It's going to be a little bit shorter once I whip the ends the way I actually want them, instead of the stopper knots that he had. And - because everybody has their “one right way,” right?
No, I really wanted the rope because it made me slow down. And I'm making a commitment with that rope that I won't use it unconsciously. In fact, I'm not going to use it with anyone other than Aiden. That's going to be our rope, and it's going to be our intentional rope. It's not going to be pick-up play, and speed five minute, you know, five minutes, fucking in the back of our house or whatever. That's intentional rope. That is the rope that I have to be present for.
It's just like my Master's cap. I will not pick up my Master's cap and put it on just to be cute and sexy. I don't care if my Muir cap is hot-looking on me. If I, in that moment, can't authentically say that I am pursuing my mastery on this planet - no, I won't wear it.
And the same thing applies with - I have this set of amber jewelry that Raven Kaldera and Wintersong Tashlin refer to as my “shaman bling.” [laughs] It’s these giant strands of amber that were made for me by this amazing artisan named Coral Mallow, who was Oregon Miss Leather a number of years ago, and an ex-girlfriend of mine, and a very dear friend.
And I had this entire collection of shamanic knickknacks and doodads and things that hold self-story. A petrified shark tooth, a jade Buddha, a plastic pink Buddha, a Sagittarius archer ready to fire, an amber medallion shaped to look like the sun, a penny wrapped in leather and stitched in.
These pieces, these stories, these magical items that I have carried with me in some cases since elementary school and in some cases since six years ago, five years ago, that Coral took them and took a couple of hundred dollars worth of amber and other materials, yeah, about $150 worth that I gave her, and she started making.
And it's string after string after string that make up this beautiful long breastplate of sorts of amber. And I don't care how beautiful it is. I will pull it out, I will show it to people, I will tell them the story, I will even put it on for a moment to show what it might look like. But no - if I am not fully embracing my magical and my path as a spirit worker, it doesn't go on.
It's not supposed to.
And it's not about people seeing these items. It's not about laying out the jute rope and bowing before it and saying, “you are a magical set of jute rope,” or, oh, my Master's cap. I have to… Look at how amazing I am that I have a Master's cap. No. The point of it is that I take the time to reflect. I take the time to actually stop and breathe and pause and go, “oh, right, that. That's what I'm doing here. That's what this moment is about. That's what I'm present and in this moment for.”
It's about reminding me. Because I need reminder. Because I forget. I forget how awe-inspiring making love to my partner is. I forget how important it is to embrace my Mastery fully. I forget that I am a magical and beautiful creature on this planet, and so are you.
I forget.
I start calling people, oh, you know, that guy down at the bus station or that person at Burger King and what? I start going at 40 miles an hour. And I need to remember because we all deserve to remember. We deserve to remember how magical we are. We deserve to be the empowered creatures that we are, and so I use memory devices. It's a tool that works for me.
And once we'd bought the jute rope, and laid down that money, which I don't also do very often. Did I mention before that I used to use Japanese hemp rope because I got it for free? I used Twisted Monk because I had a really good deal with him because I did all of my stuff wholesale, and I loved being a spokesperson for him, and I still do. Twistedmonk.com rocks, Amazing product.
Boss Bondage - Normally, I barter books because that's what we as authors do. I am not wealthy. I am not financially well off. I might travel around the world, but I do it on a shoestring budget between dreams and the products of my own hands. I am not living some magical high life, except for the fact that I am. I am living the magical high life that is my dreams, because my dreams do not involve me in a Rolls Royce. My dreams involve me surrounded by lovers and friends, rich of spirit.
And will I say no to the planet if I magically land that deal on Ellen, where Sacred Kink is picked up by Oprah? Nope, not going to mind it at all. In fact, if y'all want to pass me on, great. I am working on a more vanilla project right now for exactly that reason, because you know what? I believe in tithing. I believe in giving 10% of what I have back to the divine and back to the universe. It's not about 10% of your income, it's about 10% of what you are. I am still a good Catholic, because in my heart I carry the notions and the motions of the Church in my soul. I believe in those sayings and those truths. I just don't believe in the dogma that got attached to all of them.
I am unwilling to take 10% of my income, because I don't think it's about money. I think it's about our heart and giving back to this planet with grace, and love, and beauty, and devotion, and the motion of our hands, and our words. And that's what I can give, which is why I do free podcasting, because it's what I can give. Back to you, free. And you know what? If more stuff shows up on my PayPal account, it means that I can do more, because I'm not worrying about how I'm paying my rent next month.
So I took money. Cash, hard-earned money. And I slid it across the table and handed it to Boss. And he gave my Boy our rope. And that night, before dinner, I had this whole plan, how I was going to tie him up in our rope and take us down to dinner. I show off how cool the rope is. And I laid on that rope, onto his skin for the first time.
And I realized that's not where we were going. We were going together into us. And so I tied him up, and then tied him up some more. And his arms back, and pinched, and pulled, and straining, perfectly, consciously in my rope. Not generic rope, not some beautiful rope, not perfect rope, in our rope.
And I pulled up one leg and I got on my knees in front of his cock, and I took him down into my mouth and swallowed him whole, and pulled him into me, while pulling him into my body and telling him that he was mine, is mine.
Because cock sucking is not a submissive act. Cock sucking is an act of commitment and ownership and moment. It can be submissive, it can be service, or it can be showing him that my teeth are millimeters away from his sex, and I could castrate him at any moment. Or I can lift him up into epiphany, wrap him up in me. Because he deserves it. Because I own good things.
And in that moment, I pleasured myself, and I pleasured him, and I felt us in a moment of pleasure, and a moment of pain. And at the end of it, after sheets were slightly wasted, and pleasure was had on all sides, and beauty was taken into our memory, I untied him and he barely and slowly moved his arms. And it hurt. And it pinched, and he had marks woven into his skin. And then we went down to dinner. And a few people said, hey, nice marks. And we got to hang out with Murphy Blue and his crew. And it was good.
But it wasn't about showing off, it was about showing up. Showing up to the moment, not showing off in the moment. And that's something I forget sometimes, is that I show off in the moment instead of showing up to the moment.
I want it to be a big, memorable thing. And you know what? In the pool that afternoon, it was both. I was showing off, and I know I looked around a couple of times. Because my Boy is an exhibitionist, and he wants to be seen. And he wants people afterwards to remember and go, “Oh, Aiden, I remember that time when…” because then he is a part of somebody's living memory.
Because then he is remembered. And that is beautiful, to have him be remembered. And later that night, I wanted him to be remembered in our rope. Let this be a private thing, and let this be a public thing, too. And so we went to the dungeon, and I checked out every single suspension frame that was available, except for the ones that were on the stage, because - I don't know what that whole crew was doing, but there was a strange circus thing happening, and four girls bent over each other, and a cut rope, and a giant hoop that some woman was flipping around in and doing the circus performer tricks on. It's cool, stuff was happening. It was big. I don't know.
And so I looked for a frame, because I wanted to suspend my Boy, and I wanted to be able to be really dynamic if I wanted to. And when I say dynamic, I mean flipping him around and all that kind of stuff. Not where we went. Not where we went, but that's okay. And so I checked out every frame I could, and the only frame I really wanted was the one that Lochai was playing on. And it was a huge, beautiful, sturdy frame that could hold three suspensions at one time, two if they were really dynamic. And Lochai was packing up, and I said, “so?” and he's like, “please, it's yours.”
And at the same time, though, Boss Bondage, who's an old school friend of mine, who's a play partner of mine, who's been part of the West Coast Assholes with me, he was like, “oh dude, I totally wanted that frame as well. It's really sturdy. I really want to do this thing.” The “dude” may or may not have happened. And I'm like, cool, we'll do it at the same time. We'll share a frame. Two Assholes, one frame, right?
And two scenes could not have been more different as night and day, and still both been sadistic in their own way. They were both rope. They were both on the same frame. They were both tying up a pair of nimble and healthy bodies that were welcoming of an experience that they were going to go on. They were both using natural fibers, so they sounded really similar, right?
But what Boss was doing, was taking a four-millimeter or sometimes six-millimeter rope and wrapping it around, say, an ankle, tying that up to - or part of an ankle - and tying it up to the suspension frame, and leaving the rest of the person's body loose or in very minimalist rope, and then stepping on them, and partially dislocating joints, and having people scream as they are balanced on really, really thin rope, and then being jumped up on top of until they're going into yellow, and then back out of it, and back into yellow, and then into red, and then being held, and then being taken on the adventure again, and screaming and crying and begging for it to stop, and clearing out parts of the dungeon because people were freaking out because it was that intense. Visually. It was huge. It was big for everyone.
Aiden and I were not “big.” I stripped him down and had him stretch before me. I set up an extension cord so there was access to a Hitachi near us. And then I tied a chest harness on him. Wrists back, held in, and pulled it up to the frame, and then pulled up one leg and tied it around the back of his neck. Very simple. Very classic. And eventually I modified it because I realized that the jute rope was digging in too much into his neck and I didn't want to leave ligature marks on his neck because, you know, day job and all that kind of stuff. So I tied it up to the overhead point instead.
And I just left him in that, and let him sink into a really challenging pose. Because an aosagi is not challenging from the beginning. It builds on you. And I let it build. And I sat underneath him and I watched him. I watched my Boy move and struggle and change and adjust himself. And I let the ropes be. I let him be.
And once he got to a point where he was really challenged, and he was having to fidget and having to move because his hips were giving a problem, that's when I ramped it up and gloved up my hands and slid fingers up inside his body.
And he was like, “really, Sir? It already sucks. This doesn't make it easier.” And I'm like, yeah, really, Boy. Really, my treasure. Really. And he just started looking at me and glowering as he's screaming into the Hitachi, as I'm using it on him. [chuckles] And then I let it go.
And then I let him sink into the tie again, because the tie still sucked. Didn't matter if he'd come. In fact, it probably sucked more, because he's no longer waiting for some sexual release. Now he's just in the tie. And I was sitting next to his foot that was still on the ground, in that tie with him.
Quality time.
There are many different languages of love. There is touch, and there are gifts. There is… acts of devotion and service. There are words. And there's quality time. My Boy is a quality time person. He needs to know that I took the time to actually do it, to actually try. A pick-up scene only works for him if he knows that it was premeditated. Otherwise, it was me thinking of him after the fact. And so, I sat with him. Because I wanted him to know that I love him.
I have the word “love” tattooed from my solar plexus to my belly button. The word love is there because of a quote from Catherynne Valente, or a section of her book, which is The Habitation of the Blessed: A Dirge for Prester John, Book 1.
And in that book, there's a scene where Prester John - and if you don't know who Prester John is, hop on YouTube and type in Prester John Catherynne Valente, C-A-T-H-E-R-Y-N-N-E V-A-L-E-N-T-E, and you'll see her YouTube video about it, which is hilarious, explaining who Prester John was historically. But there's a scene where Prester John is talking to an angelic being that he calls an angel, but the individual is like, “no, I just happen to not have any external sex organs, and I happen to have wings. You just happen to call me an angel, but whatever, I don't care.”
And Prester John is talking about the fact that “you don't understand. God is love! “Because he's trying to explain his God and his perspective on his God. And the angelic being turns back to him and says, I don't think you realize how true that statement is. God is love. Every form of love and every kind of love, that is God, this thing you call God.
And those words struck me. Like a lightning bolt, like a warm summer's breeze echoing through my heart, and I knew I needed to see that word every day. God is love, and it's not a metaphor. God is love, and it's not a metaphor.
And I needed Aiden to know that I love him. Because we are God. We are divinity. We are God and Goddess, and perfection and truth, and in this moment, we are what we need to be. Love. It is what it is, and it is love.
Love was so meaningful to me that weekend. And as I push through the stuff that I'm dealing with right now, and I'm partially blogging about, and mostly not talking about, because it's just annoying, and…ugh, long-term health stuff is not something exciting, where people say, “get better soon!” And I'm like, thanks. And what do I do if I am living with it? Living, and breathing, and growing, and it's just part of what it is. And some months it gets in the way, and some months it's just what it is.
But love was really meaningful to me that weekend and continues to be because I've had all these quiet side conversations. I've had two minutes with RopeBoy, talking about Boston and people we know in common. I've had a few little things here and there. I've connected with friends. I've had people bring me cupcakes. And it means a lot, this thing we call “love,” no matter its form. No matter its form.
Because community has a lot of different purposes, and I want to be in a community that is also my tribe. Because I do not use the word “shaman” lightly. I am not appropriating or misappropriating a word that isn't really understood by me, because really shaman was a word that was chosen because anthropologists were trying to conceptualize a thing they didn't understand. And no, I know that I'm using a word that has been appropriated and misappropriated.
But when I say shaman, I mean an individual who works with spirits and energy and divinity and magic, and also works with the tribe who is before me. When I went to the International Parliament of World Religions, the tribe I wrote down under shaman was Leather. You are my tribe, and I am blessed, and I am filled with love to sit before you as a shaman, as a priest, as the crazy madman at the edge of the woods who will wander into the lands of the dead and have a conversation with and for you - because my tribe does not only include those that are still living.
My tribe is a magical and beautiful place that I am blessed by. Even when it takes me into madness and back, I am blessed by you. I am blessed.
You are my congregation. You are my heart and my hope and my soul. You are the thing that I serve - for as I serve my Goddess, I serve my tribe. There is a reason that so much of the gay men's community is referred to as bears, because she loves you. Let me wrap you in her arms. Whether you are spiritual or not, it doesn't matter. I am here, because it's important that we serve what we are called to do, that we listen to our vocation. Because when we do our vocation, when we do the job we're supposed to do on this planet, the world moves right. The world moves right when we are in alignment with our authentic callings.
So thank you for going on this journey, this rambling thought, this adventure, this za-zen, excuse me, satzen, not za-zen, this… experience. I'm feeling really emotional in this moment, and I'm grateful I got a chance to be emotional.
And we'll see what happens next month, because I'm not going to pre-announce it in a thing. I'm going to let it be open to what the world needs me to speak, for now. And if next month it doesn't work, then you know what? We'll see what happens.
And in the meantime, if you have any questions around sexuality, spirituality, kink, gender connection, identity, authenticity, I don't know, anything I can talk about, or anything I might have a link to, please send me your questions, and they can be sent to Lee, L-E-E, at passionandsoul.com with the subject line “Ask Lee.” And if I don't get to the questions on the podcast, I'll get to them on the Ask Lee column on PassionAndSoul or somewhere else. And you can find me all over the internet by looking at Lee Harrington or PassionAndSoul as one word at fetlife.com, Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, DeviantArt, all of that kind of stuff.
And if you want to see me in person in the next little bit, I'm going to be doing an Introduction to Hypnosis class on Sunday the 21st for New York, the New York Hypnosis Guild.
I'm also going to be doing a roundtable on rituals in our D/s relationships and M/s relationships at the International Master/slave Conference.
I'll be doing three rope bondage classes at Twisted Leprechaun in Dublin, Ireland.
The International Master/slave Conference, by the way, is outside of DC; Twisted Leprechaun, I'm going to be in Ireland for a week.
And then coming back to Dark Odyssey Summer Camp in Northern Maryland at Ramblewood to have this journey there as well.
And beyond that, come. Find me. But more importantly, find yourself.
So thank you so much, fellow adventurers of sexuality and spirit, for joining me. This has been Erotic Awakening with Lee Harrington. And until next time, stay cool. Have fun. Be authentically you. And don't do anything I wouldn't do, which luckily isn't very much.
So have a fantastic journey.
