Transmuting Funk to Gold

The map is not the territory.- Ancient Kung Foole ProverbI am deeply touched today.Because last night and today 2 people really wanted to listen.Not just forward first to give advice. Ok, one started to, but stopped after they realized I had to explain a language to them that they had an empathy for but did not speak.I have an interesting history, internally and externally. My experience is unique. Everyones is.Today I had my first full meal since Thursday, well, actually, since Wednesday. I've eaten a mini-sandwich here, a pita bread there, but not more than one of those a day really. I can tell I'm in a funk (understatement, more of an ubliette) when I either stop eating (unplanned, as I have only plan-fasted once), or when I down an entire round of camambert cheese in under 30 minutes.When you have to ask, you have to possibly hear no, you have to realize you are not alone, your ego is part of an interconnectedness… -mingdynastyWhen I get into the depth of these funks, I forget how to ask for anything. Not just that- I can't usually understand when it is being offered. I loose half of my dictionary of mental concepts. I ride through anger and pain easily, and fear. Over the years I have asked many people in my life, during times of clarity (which is the bulk of my life), to keep an eye on me. To pull me out of my funks with the simplest of things, things like listening fully to whatever vomits out of my mouth, then offering me a glass of water, winking at me, talking about triviality, and getting me fed.But asking is hard, because my history is my own. I have to tell so much back story of me to have the people I risk to share depth with, to have them be granted the ability to help pull me out of these funks. Its a lot of hard work, and over and over again I've been told don't worry, I can do this. I've done this before for other people with similar stuff. Rely on me.It is hard to keep asking when those words have been said so many times and not be made of what they were thought to be made of. Yes, people change, lives evolve in and out of one another- but I don't deal well with broken promises and forsaken oaths. I've done a few, I know. But I hit a wall when hearing words like "I will never" any more. Or "I won't go" or "you can always trust me to be there." Because you don't know. You don't. People have left, keep leaving my life. I'm a messy human to be around sometimes. I'm not high maintenance, but I am most assuredly medium maintenance.But in the past 24hrs I risked and asked, or more accurately, took up standing offers. I am grateful to them for their patience and attempts to understand me along the journey of life."there is always a responsibility that goes with asking for what you want, and part of that responsibility is to not doubt it, to move boldly in the direction of the door way your manifestation open to." - mingdestiny's sisterI find myself falling short in my times of darkness. I know its there. In my life of clarity and rational mind, of divine inspiration and human love, I can do this art. I can, with my being, charge into the truth of my needs, ask fully. But then these times of funk come. They cling like a wet nylon to my skin. They hold me down, pin me into the darkness. And whats worse, is that its not even as exciting as being pinned down. It is stale white bread, not even beige, for beige would be too exciting.What I desired was a man I could admire and strive to be worthy of, a man that lived in the courage of his convictions, had a brain the size and texture of an imploded planet, and a man that had the ability to push me off a cliff and then be waiting with a cup of coffee and a scone when my bruised and bloody ass landed. - mingdestinyWith that vision of me in ones mind, I expect hearing that I am broken on a variety levels is hard. But there was listening, and a lot of "one more question." She should learn by now to not say that- there will likely be 3 more questions for each you ask.The more humble and vulnerable I am to the universe, the more likely I will find things on my path that are deeply fulfilling, that make my life worth living…the gold of my soul. -mingdestinyIts true. And when I have the strength to submit, to trust, to give, the deeper I go. And sometimes that means submitting to the truths of what the I AM has to say. What *I* have to say, that big amazing *I* that is not artist, not teacher, not shaman, not human... that *I* that is the divine echoed out into my pattern of reality. Sometimes this means finding ways to let go. Sometimes this means manifesting unknown strength. Sometimes this means leaving open places in ones life to let magic happen. Submission, vigilance, and power in my vulnerability.Sometimes that vulnerability means allowing myself to be vulnerable to how my souls mesh and dance with others in this universe. Remembering that I am not alone. Not allowing myself to take it all on, no matter how tempting that might be. How easy that might seem. To allow another set of eyes to gaze out of mine and see the puzzle differently. To grant another the space to say "you can trust me to be there." And allow myself to believe them. As terrifying as that might be.I then pause and remember that every 7 years, every cell in our body is replaced by a new cell. Every 7 years we are new people. When those who have said "you can trust me to be there," the issue may have been in the Me. They are no longer the people they were, energetically, emotionally, or physically that they were when they made that promise. In some cases, I know as a fact they bit off more than they could chew- calling for the flash and pomp that I can inspire and conspire to provide for the benefit of my own ego. But I can look at at least four examples of that promise and now say, no, they did mean it. But years or traumatic events can change a soul on a deep and profound level. Just because they meant it then, does not mean that Me, as I met it, is still there. And for that matter, I am not the I I was months ago, let alone years.Does that forgive people from breaking oaths? No, I don't believe so- but it is an opportunity for grace. If I must bow out of a commitment, I have a choice in how I do that. I can face it head on. I can vanish. I can flee. I can lie. I can bow my head and say I am sorry. I can work to make it right. I can look you in the eyes and say I will help you however I can, but this, this I can not do. It rips me apart. The balances have changed since this oath was said. I did not take something into consideration. How do we make it right? We can at least acknowledge that the oath was there.My ex-master met me in the sands, and said I really fucked up, didn't I. Those words, years later, for broken promises and shattered hearts, were an act of grace that I will always thank him for.So I back up and look at those eyes, cam to cam of all dorky things, and watch his lips move. To count on him. To let him be there for me. I start to argue, to say how so many have left, how I don't know if I can be in that place of pain again. Don't promise if you can't deliver. Don't allow me to look forward to something if you can never deliver. Don't tease with no follow through. Instead, I breathe, I smile. I bow and accept his words. I trust. I transmute funk into gold. Lead into divine understanding.I am blessed.And to She I fight in the name of, Mama, thank you.Thank you for the opportunities to learn, to struggle, to find grace.