Relationship Mourning
At ShibariCon, I did a version of my class "Sacred Ropes." Each time I do that class, different truths come out of my mouth, and this time, it seems the one everyone needed to hear, or at least the one that has gotten a LOT of response, was my concept of an "un-handfasting." I told the tale of how my former Husband ErosWind and I went to the place he proposed to me, with our handfasting cords and the well-wishes from our wedding, and we read the well wishes and untied our cords. It has spurred a FetLife group: http://fetlife.com/groups/7413It also has lead to some emails from students, and today a student asked for some advice. I wanted to share some of it here.Grief and mourning come in layers. There is a real truth to the 5 stages of death and dying:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_modelBut I believe that with each layer of acceptance, we reveal a new truth underneath, a new opportunity for growth and love... and sometimes we find another piece of grief underneath that we get to do it all over again with. I'm reminded of the kid's movie Schrek- that we are all onions (and/or parfaits).The biggest question I would consider starting with is:What are you gaining from holding onto this pain and/or thread?There has to be something. Hope for return of relationship? Opportunity to complain? Joy at feeling him at the other end? Not having to think about what is ahead rather than what is behind? Not dealing with who you are now rather than who you were then? Avoiding the work you have to do next? Not risking your heart with someone new (ie the pain you know rather than the pain you don't)? Something else?Whether we like it or not, most of us hold onto relationships from the past because it serves us in some way to do so.A place to start?I have no idea if that helps or not, but today, it's what I have :)Yours in Passion and Soul,Lee