God show me the Way 'cause the Devils' trying to Bring Me Down

That and another line from "Jesus Walks" by Kanye West really struck me this morning:I want to talk to God but I'm afraid 'cause we ain't spoke in so longI was raised in a spiritually mute home. Mi Padre drank his Catholicism down the drain in my youth, his spirit drown in porn and drink to bury the pain of his extreme bi-polarism. Mi Madre was baptised three different faiths by the time she was 20 and instead chose me and a strong will as her faith of the day during my youth. They never discussed how I should be raised in relation to the divine, and thus I wasn't- there was faith in the house, but conflicting faiths that chose silence rather than argue about yet another subject. My mother lit candles and held onto crystals. My father threw bibles across the room and then passed out on the couch. I danced and sang to myself and ran and ran and ran. I can see the walls fly by the trees fly by and my voice echoing up to Heaven.My mother's mother is a devout Lutheran, even if her ethneticity changes on her whims (she decided she was Norwegian to be able to attend the Sons of Norway parties), her own father's rercords sealed. She argued that I should have a formal religious education- instead I proposed and was backed by mi Madre to do it all instead of just one path. I attended Synagogue. Temple. Mass. Church. I attended a Unitarian Youth group at the invite for Canyon_Lady at the age of 13 and enjoyed the group a lot, and through it became active in CUUPS (Covenant of Unitarian Universalist Pagans). I read voraciously. I rose my voice to heaven and sang out as an offering...I dabbled in black magic (lightning storms and blood on the walls). I dabbled in white magic (tarot cards and incense wafting down halls).But my revelation came from a drunken rant from a gent I knew in my first year at Evergreen. Twins that I had met back in my UU Youth days, plus Bobariah (also a UU Youth, and founder of her own cult), and I were having drinks with the gent (whose face I recall but the name slips by) and he was out of it.The rantYa know what?What?Faith is like a stained glass window...How is that?You've got red for the buddhists and green for the druids and purple for the catholics and all the pretty colors for every faith, but together they form the patchwork image of the whole of humanity...Um, okay.But ya know what?What?If there weren't any sunlight we couldn't see any of it.(and then he passed out)I have decied that that rant is the shorthand for my faith. i believe in the sunlight. But where does that put me?In 2000 I went to Rome for the Artists' Jubilee, and if catholicism were like that week was, I would be with the Church. Mi padre and I had the blessing to be part of a group at the Sopra De Minerva- a group of flys on the wall. Artists of various sorts from around the world had come to give their gifts as offerings to the divine. A string quartet from Japan. A contortionist from Brazil. A youth dance troupe. An opratic singer... and we just sat. They performed facing the alter, not the crowd. This was their offering to the divine, their gift to lay before the Lord, and we were but there to bear witness.But the boy who shook me the most was a juggler and hacky sack kid from France. White balls flying through the air and whirring about his body. It was inspired, and it was perfect, and he juggled for God.What do I have to lay before the divine? I had, but what do I do now? Sacred whore dances with singer, artist, songwriter, and the faces in the stained glass stare back as inside my heart I say a hail mary, cant out a spell, cleans my mind for my higher self and try to find a way...Where will I be, and how will I raise my own children when it comes to a belief in the divine?How can I find a way to pay homage to a faith that is so ingraned in me and thank Jesus for his teachings if not his followers... and yet not be offended by a "believe in me or burn in Hell" mentality in most forms of Christianity?How can I thank the Goddess for all her gifts to the world and yet still find love in Christ?Will the world at large let my faith by as Poly as my heart is?Love is not restricted just because you love another- can it not be the same with God?In my heart I say yes- but how do I pay it all homage in public ritual, as is my wedding come August?My heart feels empty though because bogged down with work and dramas, I have had little time and energy to commit to the divine. I did work in their name at Dark Oddyssey- and at Yule kept most of the vigil... in Turkey I said a silent prayer at the Mosque of Suliman and at Aya Sofya... but I do not feel it is enough. I feel void.Jesus Walks... hm.To the victims of welfare, we're walkin' in hell here- Jesus walks with themI grew up in a welfare neighborhood, and though not poor, was not well off as a child. Homespun joy. Remember homespun joy. Homespun faith.I must find more ways to satisfy my soul.LEAVE THE WOLD BETTER THAN YOU FOUND ITCampfire motto as part of my faith? Sure.God show me the way, Goddess grant me the serenity to walk the path I'm shown.***I can't complain with what the accident did to my left eyebecause look what an accident did to Left EyeFirst Aliyah now Romeo must dieI know angels must be watching me from the other side-Kanye WestThe death of Lisa "Left Eye" Lopez hit me hard.I cried when I first heard this lyric.... did again this morning on the MAX.John Paul will be missed, especially replaced by a traditionalist like Benedicto, but Left Eye introduced me to claiming my body for myself and told me that even strong can take what they need from sexuality.