Who I Am, What I Do
It was a night during my move. He and I were curled up in bed, and gloves went on. A finger slid in, hungry and needful. A second. He went to slide in a third, and I melted into tears. He went back without a word to two fingers and slowly slid and out, moving in time with the slow shallowness of my breath, my moving hips.I had had my hysterectomy less than 6 months earlier. And the reality is that my body is not the same.I was emotional. He asked why, and I said it was because I was a fisting bottom, and can't be fisted any more. He paused, then asked me if I came. Well, yeah...So, what is the issue?My identity was wrapped up in the notion of being a fisting bottom. If I am not this, then what else am I? What does my body really want? The reality was, I did not know what my body wanted. I had been on erotic replay for most of my life. It's like finding that favorite restaurant and always ordering the same thing. I knew the twenty things that did it for me, and hit rewind, re-play. With different lovers, in different settings, with different music and lighting and levels of dramatic effect- but the same menu items.I realized it had been a very long time since I had simply explored with no expectation at all of outcome. A few years, but even then had layers of past truths. So if I am not able to be fisted in my front hole any more- what does my body want?More than that, am I okay with it? With not being a vaginal fisting bottom? Because that is identity, right there. It had become a "who am I" rather than a "what I do." When our identity is attached to what we can do, and what we can do changes, our world can seem to fall apart.I was hospitalized related to my long-term health four+ months ago. And the reality is that my body is not the same.I was emotional this week. I asked myself why, and realized it was because I was a guy who traveled for work, who worked his ass off, who went out to where his students are... and can't do that to near the same degree any more. I paused, then asked me if I was still reaching my students. Well, yeah...So, what is the issue?My identity was wrapped up in the notion of being a hard-working traveling presenter. If I am not this, then what else am I? What does my being really want? The reality was, I did not know what my being wanted. I had been on work replay for most of my life. It's like finding that favorite restaurant and always ordering the same thing. I knew the twenty things that I did well and could help me fulfill what I saw as my dharma, and hit rewind, re-play. With different people, in different settings, with different music and lighting and levels of dramatic effect- but the same menu items.I still reach the world, a few students, fans, friends, and allies at a time.In fact, a year ago I even said I wanted to eventually cut down to only working 1-2 weekends a month. And yet, now that I am here, mandated by my physical reality- I find myself lost. Because my identity is wrapped up in doing "so much more" Working harder, not smarter. Going OUT to the world rather than having others come IN.So, what does my body want? Sexually, and career wise, as someone who has had identities attached to the "what it is that I do?" Who are we each when we separate these two from each other, and begin to explore without judgement.I like two fingers, sliding in and out as my hips rock and my lips moan into a slow growl. We'll see what the next explorations bring.