In The Ways We Weave Love

My life is dancing between humor and academia, eroticism and in-depth engagement.   Even my book selections this trip have been proof- Blood Brothers by Jack Donovan (which was not nearly as inspiring as Androphilia), The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown, America Unchained by Dave Gorman and Iron John by Robert Bly… and of course DIY U by Anya Kamenetz (which delightfully shook up my head and has me now in conversation around some interesting projects).  5+ weeks on the road.  Seattle/Everett, St. Louis, New Orleans, Washington DC, Dublin, Pittsburgh.  I am happy to be heading home.But home… what is this home thing?  I grew up not really understanding the notion of homesickness.  I would travel, young, go to summer camp or spend weeks on the road with mi padre or madre, and really… it didn’t faze me.  I might sort of miss people, but not event that- it usually took me a week or two before I missed mi madre.  It’s not that I did not love her, I deeply adore the woman who gave birth to this screaming 10 pound turkey just after Thanksgiving in ’79.  She rocks my world.  But- I just am not wired that way.  I am blessed with this strange capacity (that is sometimes a curse) to be able to box my emotions for folks, and next time I see them, pull them out fresh from the Tupperware of my heart and have it be as if we were last staring in each other’s eyes a few days ago.I say it is a curse because it means I am not always so good at telling people regularly how much they mean to me.  I mean, yeah it’s been 3 years, but I still love you- what do you mean stuff has changed on your end?  I’ve gotten better at it- but I’m not always so good at that reminder of connection when not face to face or triggered by some outside force.  It’s one of the reasons I love artifacts of emotional value, the fetishes based in the gnosis of the heart.  I enjoy holding postcards and movie stubs and knickknacks, traveling back in time and feeling a hand in mine or a smile before my face, or a chest pushed against me as I close my eyes.  I am a time traveller.  A chrononaut of desire.I am in only one local human relationship right now- one with myself.  When I am on the road a lot, currently about 70%+ of the time, any relationship is long distance if it is outside of my skin.  My relationship with my husband (me- I/we got married back in September, after a long courtship and getting to know each other) is really solid right now.  I had a great honeymoon in New Orleans, even if I had to forgive myself for working during almost half of it.  Wandering the French Quarter made up for it.  Almost anything can be forgiven with beignets and fresh squeezed orange juice.Beyond that, I am in a very deeply committed relationship with one other individual, and connected in a web of romance, friendship, camaraderie, brotherhood, eroticism and delight with a handful of other folks who appear when lives allow and connect.  That other individual is a creature named Aiden, who I sometimes refer to as my Boy, or my Treasure, or simply… mine.This last weekend, Aiden came and visited me in Pittsburgh, where we stayed with amazing friends who light up my smiles, and whose brains deeply engage both of us.  Beyond time with friends, and me teaching really fun class at the Pittsburgh GLCC, we spent a lot of time prepping for our upcoming Ownership ceremony.I have been married before.  My years with Eros_wind were amazing, beautiful, inspiring, loving… and some days imperfect too.  I still consider him a friend, even if our lives have grown apart.  I will always thank him for the grace he showed me, and the ways he gave me a framework to explore myself in.  He wows me with his inner wisdom every time he shares his world.  But we were and are on deeply different trajectories.I need to say that because my perspective on designing my ownership and commitment ceremony with Aiden is not built out of a desire to reject classical marriage systems.  I have not been traumatized by marriage.  I think it works really well for some.  But in my connection with Aiden, I know it would not be authentic to who we are together.So, we are designing our ritual, and setting the groundwork for moving forward in our lives with each other as anchor points in our respective journeys in the world.  I will be taking them on as mine.  And all that means.  Their joys, their sorrows, their profits, their debt.  Their bad days and their good.  I am buying in and making an investment into an amazing human who inspires me, and even with its quirks, I think the projection for a high return on my investment, given some serious sweat and heart equity, and finances as well, are likely.I also happen to love them.  And our highly quirky and not always what folks expect from us erotic life also rock.  These are bonuses :)He is a magical creature.  They are lovely.  He/they (singular, gender neutral) are gender queer on the transmasculine side of the spectrum, with random outbursts of colorful drag queen and bubbly girl.  I can work with this, being a bit of a shapeshifter myself.So here we are, in Pittsburgh, shopping for clothes.  Because there is a kilt/vest/shirt/tie/boots plan that has replaced the previously planned Indian wedding motif that, though sexy, is not actually *us*.  We are both leathermen, both enjoy playing dress up, both pagan, both fabulous and rugged in turns- let’s own it.  Plus, its an investment into fashion we will re-wear, as compared to one-off stuff.  And I, like Alton Brown, believe in multi-tools.We run around, we shop, and we find our way to Michael’s craft shop.  We’ve decided to hand-weave our own handfasting cords… because both of us believe that part of this working involves binding our lives together.  When I was married, we had our cords custom dyed and woven by TwistedMonk.com, deep green for him, blood red for me.  They were beautiful.   I love mine that I still have in my box of memories, 2 boxes full of clippings and letters and troves of truth.  But- Aiden was right.  Hand-weaving it for ourselves was the right choice, even if it is/was being more expensive financially and time wise.  Perhaps it is the right choice for that reason.My friend Sir Bobby recently pointed out that he learns better in a class when he has to pay to get in.  He literally has an investment in his own outcome.  If he gets in free, he has an unconscious permission to be lazy.  But if he has spent his well-earned dollars, then his unconscious mind encourages him to sit up and pay attention.So it is being in this process with my cords.  My last set I slept with, I masturbated with, I cried on them- the classics, right?  But these… these are deeper anchored in the pit, the core, of ME.  We wandered the isles of ribbon and pulled out colors and patterns that called to us.  We compared, we laughed, we talked about what they meant to each of us.  Brown for my connection to my Patron, my owner, Bear.  Hemp twine for my affinity with fiber, rope, and my starting roots as an educator, my path as an artist.  Gold for my solar working, my delight in the rays of the sun.  Black and white patterns for lace and history and family.They chose their own, and we found we shared some.  Some for similar reasons (black leather lacing, an obvious statement from each of us), others for different reasons (gold means to them their lessons and joy learned through me, for example).  Our sets are similar in some ways, different in others, but coordinating.   The woman cutting our by-the-yard ribbon (5 yards needed of each material) heard me say the word “handfasting” and had her ears prick up.  “Blessed Be” she said as we left her counter, after her boss had left.After an intense, beautiful and deeply bonding Saturday night, filled with laughter, cigars, drinks, drag shows, hot tubs, shapeshifting, heart strings and energetic body awakenings, Sunday came on us snowy and full of light.  Time to weave.  Time to invest, to cast our spells into the cords.Measure 5 yards of each material.  Pass my athame/pocketknife (did I mention multi-tools?) back and forth.  Pile high.  Laugh.  Listen to music.Overhand knot, binding our past into one bundle, one skin, just as our truths are all here in one skin suit.Extra cord, hang from a stationary wall point.Now, to teach Aiden how to weave a 4-strand braid with simpler materials.  Practice.  Coach lovingly.  Encourage parts well done.  Remember my non-violent communication basics.  Help them find their voice with the fibers.Then… braid.  Braiding 5 yards of material is… an investment.  Of time, of energy.  As I wove, they untangled.  As they wove, I untangled, or held space.  I worked in, reflected, was tight and introspective.  They danced in the cords, arms pulling through with a flare that made me smile- my rope artistry on their skin reflected in their movement Aiden said.Tie off.  Measure.  Cut for vaguely even length.  Cut off loose ends.  Even out tension along the cords.  Bundle up.  Pack in our respective carry-on luggage.The process was a metaphor for US.  Them helping untangle the beauty I weave in the world.  Me helping coach them through their choices, and reminding them to be kind to themselves and that I still love them when they get lost.  The beat of songs that mattered to us playing on.  Katy Perry, S.J. Tucker, Harry Connic Jr., Ashley MacIsaac, Carbon Leaf, Rob Thomas, Nickleback, Lady GaGa…Aiden and I rework our Covenant every 3 months.  They are required to text me every morning and night, and we have a date night every week (unless schoolwork or my work gets in the way).  Even in a long-distance relationship, we are putting a lot of sweat-equity into this thing.And I am grateful for it.I have gotten lazy in the past.  I engage deeply, then Tupperware it.  And why are we doing it this much?  Because not only does it give me joy, but because I want to set the groundwork for what this will look like when we move in.Because I will live with this Treasure of mine.  My body needs it.  My heart needs it.  And, having finally worked through some of my energy blocks around feeding off them (THANK YOU Michelle Belanger for the linguistic wording of “Prasadi” or sacred gift in Sanskrit as compared to “Prey” which was NOT working in our dynamic)… my spirit needs it too.  I had built up this theory that I could do energy work with Aiden but not magical working.  But no, that seems to have been looked at, and addressed.  It does work, just in different ways than I had mentally gotten used to.  A Consort is not a Hound.  I must use them differently.  It’s like being convinced that an acoustic guitar works better because I can pick it up and play it, as compared to an electric guitar.  An electric guitar can make amazing music, and do a very different selection of music… but I have to plug into it first.How will we make it work?  That- is a puzzle still.  I am not financially a rock-star.  I do okay right now, because I am based in Arizona and live thrifty.  I am rich of heart, but my bank accounts are still catching up to how I want to be living.  So… we need to figure something out.  They are doing university stuff right now in their career field, and will be for a few more years in NYC it looks like.So if my allies, contacts and tribe have magical ideas on how I can get based in NYC (any borough would be okay, but Brooklyn or Manhattan are preferred) or NJ that is an easy commute to NYU- let me know. I am casting the net here- we’ll see what happens.  We are 2 humans and a sweet cat.  Pagan, poly, kinky/leather, queer, avid cooks, house-proud, travelling author/teacher and a working university student/activist. I will be sad to leave Arizona in the next year, but we can’t figure out how to make their university stuff work at ASU.  We’ve been trying.  And I would really prefer to not be apart for more than another year.  And the vision, the grand vision, for starting October this year?  Cut down to 50% of the time on the road, and 6 months or so later cut down to 30-40% on the road.  25% is about my ideal, in my head.But this thing, planning for our formal ceremony, for our commitment and ownership formalization- it’s exciting.  Deeply reflective, looking at the network we have.  Emotionally challenging, as we face our respective baggage.  And incredibly rewarding.  This property acquisition, it’s worth the investment.