Trauma as Fetish

When I was 12 years old, I was raped. I had been a sexual being at least since I was 6 years old- inserting objects into my orifices, reading erotica, having daydreams that involved fantasies of monsters and demons... or looking back, perhaps not all fantasies.My first orgasm came in the midst of my rape.Make that my first 2 orgasms.I was unable to make myself cum, though trust me, I tried, until I was collared and owned by Marcus in England (though I was perfectly successful at orgasm with any eager lover). One night, he ordered me to cum for him. I nearly panic attacked. But with determination and fueled by my need to please him, I eventually did.Years later, I can undeniably say I still cum harder and stronger with rough sex than by gentle sweet sex.Bret Kahr, at his plenary speech at the AASECT 2009 conference, lectured on "Erotic Tumours & Orgasmic Thrills: The Sinister Psychology Of Sexual Fantasies." As a Freudian based psychotherapist, he has spent his past 30 years studying erotic fantasy, and has come to the theory that much of sexual desire fantasies is linked to some key piece in our past life experiences, often our traumas. We may unconsciously transform the pain of a family member who died into the sexual trappings of the location where their death took place for example. We may turn red into a color of passion out of having seen their blood spilled...or in my case, you may eroticize rough sex because your first orgasm came at the hand of non-consensual forceful sex.I don't disagree with Kahr's theory per se. Yes, I could argue the chicken/egg issue of "did I cum while being raped because my body responds better to extreme stimuli" or "do I respond better to extreme stimuli because I came when I was raped." But I'm not going to battle that out for the moment.The issue I have is- is this a bad thing?For some, knowing the source of one's "tumor" might be a horrible thing. To wake up and go "OMG I am turned on by stockings because I once saw my mother's stocking tops and thus I am living out my childhood oedipial complex by having women in stockings sexually stimulate me" (not me, a former client of mine) might be traumatic for some. But perhaps I'm wired different. I feel oddly comforted having ideas of routes of where my desires have come from.I can pinpoint where my splosh fetish came from.I can name the evening where my amputation and trash eroticism became hardwired.I know where my foot fetish came from.And I can ignore it and just enjoy them.I can enjoy my fetishes.I think the issue I have with Kahr's argument is that he looks as tumors as cancerous. He argues that therapists have the ability to work to provide radiation, to exorcise tumors, to point at their source. But I think that that is both immoral and short sighted. Firstly, not all tumors, lumps, ad cysts are cancerous. Hell, every human body has cancer cells throughout it... we just don't call it cancer until those deviant cells have multiplied until they are unhealthy and destructive to the whole of the system.Secondly, cancer treatments can technically cure... but they can also harm. If our demons are brought to the forefront of our awareness and exposed for being a link to some past trauma- who does it serve? Who does it help? Does it help me to learn that for 20 years I have been jerking off to a family member's death (an example provided from case study)?Thirdly, if I do excise my demons and decide that no more shall I "retraumatize myself nightly in my own bed," what next? And if my demons are brought out, what will I turn to then for masturbation material? Will I forever doubt the sincerity of my fantasy life? Or will I create fantasies and desires around mind erase spells, or about some new trauma I had buried, or find myself blank with nothing left?No thanks. I think for now I am happy with my desires, trauma based as they may have originally been. These traumas were my life ordeals and trials that I am happy to say left behind some cool bonus prizes I can play with, have fun with, enjoy. Why be bitter about my past tribulations when I can thank them for all they have given me.But maybe it's just me.