Notes on Being a Boy

Yesterday, and recently, I really fucked up. No, really. I did something that I have no interest in posting, but it had some major fuckupedness, and I fucked up. Worse, instead of facing it, I literally ran. It was bad, really bad, and yet- and yet it needed to happen for me to become a better person, and hopefully for my relationship for Hunter to not just survive, but thrive. Hapiness happened afterwards, and before, and whatnot- but I feel compelled, having shared my on-paper inner monologue with my Sir, to post a version of it here.Everything I do, as a Boy, reflects uopon my Sir.Whether he is present or not.Whether he endorses it or not.Whether he approve or not.Everything I do reflects upon my Sir.Because if I am a Boy, that title overlays all of my life, and does not go away, even if he is not around, even if he has left me, even if he says I have he day off...The question I need to ask myself first though, is am I am Boy?I am his Boy... but what does that mean?To be a Boy is not what I looked for or asked for, but is it who I am?Everything I do reflects upon my Sir.Being grossly out of practice is not an excuse.Having a horrid day is not an excuse.Being deeply depressed is not an excuse.Hoping to hear his happy laugh again like the last times I've done it is not an excuse.I have shamed my Sir.Everything I do reflects upon my Sir.Am I a Boy?I never have been before.I have been a slave, property, called a boy between the sheets...I go into pushover mode because I have been shown others enjoy it.Sir is NOT others.I paint him with the brush of others and that is disrespectful.What is a Boy?Pride in Excellence. Silent service. Talking back when needed. Stability. Honor. Learning & growing. Taking the licks and learning from them. Honesty and intergrity. Passion. Silliness. Strength. Balls. Upright. Seeking guidance. Splash of independence but knowing I can go home. Not micormanaged. Goes to absurd lengths to get it done. Checks in if lost. Gets lost. Gets out and tries again.These are things I want to be but is not where I feel I am right now. How can I give excellence and have pride in doing so if I do not believe in myself?I try to fake it and am ripped down for being fake.Am I a Boy?Boy as a sexual role, on his knees at the club at his Sir's boot, has been a fuel for fantasies for years.But I do not have experience with how to make it work day to day.He proclaimed me Sir, Daddy, Master and my heart melted, sang, but I feel a failure for not giving what was needed, how can I do it from the other side.I can not live up to ghosts.That includes the ghosts of what he is or has been.I have to learn and be trained into what *I* am as a Boy.Seeking smiles and approval is not enough, and constantly fishing for that is breaking my heart and being a failure to my Sir.I need to find fulfillment as a Boy in its own right if I am going to follow this path.Can I be a Boy?Do I have the strength?I need to seriously reevaluate my needs/wants list for this relationship.I need to seriously reevaluate my own life needs/wants. Where do I want to go?I am more fearful of actually being the Boy I want to be than of loosing my Sir.Why do I say Sir and not Daddy?When I say Daddy I become small, and I do not feel safe being that small if it is not acknowledged and accepted that it is where my head is when I say that word right now.Sir.Its a powerful word. It makes me want to stand taller and be more when it is said to me.How can I have been trying to be a Sir when I have never understood it from this side first?In doing so I broke my own rules.I have broken my own rules.I want to try again. On both sides.Will I be allowed to?I thought I knew what it was to be Sir and I was wrong.I thought I knew what it was to be a Boy and I was wrong.I need help figuring it out.This was written part in a park in Newtown, alone, crying, and part downtown near Central station, being analytical. This applies to 3 of my relationships right now, these questions, and I've had a chance now to have some really good conversations with Hunter on the topic. He apparently had not realized/registered that I had never been a Boy before my relationship with him, at least in the formal/relationship meaning of the term... my relationship with Toby many years ago was much more based off of a slave template than a Boy template. So we're working on not starting from the beginning, as that is impossible, but trying to figure out what our version of this looks like...