Needing to Open Up Wide

I almost wasn’t here today.Not Phoenix- this body.A week ago I had set the plans- I was going to fly to Phoenix to teach, and Saturday evening I’d catch a cab from the play party having said a few goodbyes to a hotel that I had planned on renting a room at. I would have had plenty of money for a last nice meal, and I had stored up a very large bottle of various drugs that do not mix well with alcohol. I would have purchased a lot of my favorite drinks, and then popped the whole bottle in some form or another.I had written my will, had wrapped up most of my life plans for, well, life. I’d written up notes to a number of people, and made sure my physical stuff would not be an issue. I’d set aside tip money for house cleaning for the emotional pain.6 days ago I handed that large bottle of pills to someone very dear to me and told them that no, I wasn’t going to do it. This was painful and huge, having spent most of the time since surgery actively contemplating suicide.7 years ago I was painfully suicidal for almost 3 months, and literally was stopped by Furry from jumping off a rooftop. Not a drama thing, I just don’t cope with this body or this set of needs of me well sometimes. The reasons are a thousand fold… but today I’m just trying very hard to just be here.The Monday after chest surgery, I snapped. I did. I lost my shit and became violent, and then turned it towards myself. However, instead of actually doing harm, I went into my training from my old therapist and simply, in a monotone voice, informed Spencer to take all of the sharps out of the room, all of the meds out of the room except my inhaler, all of the rope out of the room, anything I could easily strangle myself with out of the room, etc. I went through the list of my obvious choices. Slashing my wrists. Shooting oxygen into my veins. Strangling or bagging. Overdosing on meds. Diving head first into concrete blindfolded. Walking in front of a train (a very easy choice as I was one block from the train station)… I asked him to call my therapist, and set plans for me to potentially be institutionalized.This is not something a new relationship can easily live through, and I understand when he needed to go, and I needed him to go, as he was completely unprepared for… that.A week later I broke again, having barely been taped together with scotch tape. It was messy too. But I convinced myself it would be ok, plans were called off for putting me in the bin, and over the next 2 weeks I got well enough in the head to go to Cincinati.Then, my nipple fell off.Yeah, you can see how this compounded everything else.I came back to New York, and went into a daze. I went on autopilot. I headed to Maryland afterwards as I knew I had access to mental health options there if I needed them. I went into a trance, and inside, it was bad, very bad.I am honestly surprised I am alive today.Sunday, December 2nd, was the plan.And I’m still here, mostly because I made, funny enough, a deal with a dead man.Today is being very hard.I KNOW it is all absurd. That I should be a lot stronger and happier than all of this bullshit. My rational mind knows that yes, my chest surgery was botched, but at least I have a flat chest and am alive- better than many trans guys I know or have known. My back and joint pain might be absurd, but at least for a while I still have the use of my legs and am only crippled once a month or so. I have amazing people, even if my partners are thousands if not ten thousand miles away… but I am blessed for having partners who care. I have great friends. I have an amazing patron, who I understand can not give me what I need yet until I can commit to giving me what I need- and committing to being here at all. Why invest in a house if it’s going to be torn down tomorrow.I am blessed. I am blessed with two strong hands. I am blessed with fur and flesh and bones. I am blessed with amazing contacts and adventure. I am blessed with a new home and amazing people in it. I am blessed…But literally day to day its hard to hold on.I hate it.I really do.I look at words like that and I want to slap whoever said them.Fuck you, right, that you have all this amazing stuff in your world, a roof over your head, food in your belly, and you want to CHOOSE to throw it all away? Take the cowards way out?Fuck you, you want to put people in your world through the emotional pain of wondering if they could have done something more? If they could have “saved” you?Yeah.I hate it, but its true.But 6 days ago I made a commitment that I wouldn’t, and handed over my bottle of pills.But I’m still hating myself.And the workings of me.And sincerely apologize to those I have caused pain to, and will likely cause pain to, as I try so hard to just stay.Yes, I know it makes no sense.No, I don’t want advice or links or hugs or really even sympathy.No, I’m not interested in attention, even if at least one rude person who reads me may think.I’m just having a very hard time being here…But I wanted to say- I am staying.I’m staying I’m staying I’m staying.Its why I made the post about looking forward… because until the last week or so, I had no commitments that couldn’t be written on, no plans, no future, no goals really. Everything was cancellable. Even me. But I have made this commitment, and I’m honestly lost, and am honestly looking for ideas.Because I really don’t know if I’m supposed to be a teacher or a cheesemonger. An artist or academic. A lover or a fighter. A good man or a bad one.I don’t know where to go from here… other than, I’ve made a commitment to be here.I just hope that explains stuff, a bit.I’m staying I’m staying I’m staying.And yes, I did think about even making any post about the topic for a long time before writing it, let alone posting it, especially non-locked.