m-jo rant
No, this has nothing to do with M-Jo, a friend of mine in Seattle.I'm talking about m-jo... masochistic submissive women. It's japanese BDSM scene slang. I miss having m-jo in my life.Natalie's reappearance on my journal out of the blue was one wake-up, spending time with Elorin at ARS was another, as was getting rope on Madison Young. I miss dating women. I more specifically miss having a woman in my life that I can share stage/film time, rope time, coffee time and bed time with. More than just a rope date. Someone who beyond all that is called to serve, and likes being used in the bedroom.There are a few women I have courted since Natalie and I broke up... but there seems to be such drama. Love is an evil term! I'm sorry I can't date you but can play with you or fuck you? I don't know how to deal with your gender issues. Too much stuff on the plate. Body pains that stop relationships cold in their tracks. Or, in one amazing case, their primary was breaking up with someone that weekend- ugh!I just seem to have bad luck with women, or at least I attract female drama. My first girlfriend, Caroline, was a lovely, love-struck drug-filled train wreck- Natasha and her American spy meeting on the boulevard to steal a kiss between espionages. If I stay in Portland any longer I'll fall in love- and then the mudslide closed the trains down. But oh could we dance- even if she burned my cock when we split up. I am hurled full speed at some women, and so few of them end up, well.Natalie is an amazing woman, but we grew apart. Love remains, but I could not give time and she and I formed an unhealthy spiral of depression... see me! yes, oh no, you're leaving already, drop and I drop too and the chasm just seems deeper each glance. Love and drugs, this time of the perscription type. But oh could we dance together, on stage, on film, in the bedroom...Onyx I hold hope for- but lives change, and so do both of us.Marlene was a train wreck- she threw the pride rings we'd given her into the ocean and went off to have happy chubby babies. I miss time with her on many levels, solo or as part of the triad with Max.GirlMax was a bad dream of razor blades and romance turned sour- hell, that whole Toby period has so many scars.Dr. Dell was a 50 mile a minute drinking orgy, buried beneath the cemetary as her screams echoed between bones and a carrot for a dildo. She vanished in a Dublin puff of smoke and I only heard from her once since.LadyJ was an accident, but such a happy one. Marcus had arranged a threesome, and she was the third. Hot night, Clangers and blowjobs, girl wrestling and heavy D/s, and in the morning he went to work while she and I went shopping. When he called that night he asked "What do you mean she's still there!" He had wanted her kicked out, and I had bonded with the one night stand- such an offense. We saw each other a year or two later at a tabletop game Richard was running, and bonded again over turkish deserts and sweaty bedsheets. Strangely though our last few get togethers I've been super-close to her beau, as I have since he and I met, but she and I... there just wasn't much of a spark the last few encounters.... I actually just went through my list of women I've played with (but decided to delete it- there is reflection thenthere is just kiss and tell), and yeah, it all sums up to:1) Women are crazy2) There are women who I like to play with but can't imagine dating3) I have crappy skills with relationships4) Young girls are hot but a bad idea for me5) Sparks are easy, sustaining flames is challenging6) Swords through the lung always get in the way, even if (see 1)7) Triads are hot, but make one on one relationships more challenging8) I seem to have better luck with my "we'll pick up where we left off next time" approach to long distance relationships with men than women10) Women are crazySo in short, I miss women in my life, but I suck at them it seems in the long-term.It's such a shame, as I really, deeply, in my heart of hearts, miss the shape of women. I want someone I can bind on stage and then continue the show in private- and women sell so much better than men.I keep telling myself that I date people for being people, not for gender- but it's bullshit on some levels. Must be. Or maybe its that men are easier.But I miss ropes flung around hips and long sighs as I hoist sky high with my lips buried between legs and my cock opening her wide. I miss coming home from work to find her busy fingers finishing my rope ends. I miss being romantic, flowers and candies, long walks on the waterfront... and that seems harder to do with men even though I do.I miss hips to hips spooned in bed. I miss "yes M'am". I miss "yes Sir". I miss coming into the homecoming dance and sweeping the homecoming queen off her feet as everyone gasps. I miss underground graveyards. I miss being a white knight. I miss women. But beyond women, I miss m-jo, I miss that quality of submission in the feminine form... and I keep flashing back today.