Luck = Opportunity + Preparedness
Just a bit of a thought...Today was good- lots of time being tied up and shot by Garth Knight in about 100m (300ft) of blue rope- took him over 2 hours to tie, but damn it was pretty. Then off to Newtown to help a little old man get on a bus. As he got on the bus he gave me a laminated card saying God loves me. I am very glad.Dinner with the reluctant guru reminded me yet again that I am Eglabara. Eshu pride baby. Life stories and deep philosophy, tantra and trauma, lives came pouring out. It's nice when one person's high status is to talk and the other person's high status is to listen.The debate on the table- am I a ray, wave, or particle?I ended up singing and writing to myself, spending 35 minutes waiting for a train at Central to get home. But, a few thoughts and realizations as I began to ask myself questions on paper that were important towards me doing therapy- if no therapist, start by working with the self in formal organized thought format as if the therapist were asking I figure. When I answer on paper, look at it- why did I write that.Example-I enjoy feeling valuable.I feel that if I am valuable folks will not want to throw me away.So realizations that came out of my pen include:My breasts are a tool/mask that I hide behind so that folks see them instead of me.I am challenged in loving myself and this rely upon those who I love and cherish to offer me up a mirror to give me value. I find myself angry and dissapointed when they "let me down" because it means I let them and the world down as they are the only mirror to myself if I do not love myself in a fulfilling manner.So some other thoughts from the Reluctant Guru...Do you want to be holistic or wholeistic? What will a hole in your being give you vs. a whole being?Is your life an Either/or? a Both/and?Consider consulting your pillow.In nailing down an identity we try to claim it, lock it down- is that what you want?What we resist against defines how high we can fly.That last one is a reference to the fact that birds use the pressure from flapping down to be able to take off. His arguement- in D/s we hope to soar, but do not acknowledge that we need to push down into our selves to make that happen.Questions for the self I am working on:What am I resisting?What about my body do I dissacociate from, how often, in what ways, and why?What would I gain out of body transformation?What would I loose?What is my internal essence?How do I best save myself?How do I best save the world?What does my body say about my identity?Why do I cling to labels and identities?What power do they give me?What fears do they mask?Where am I going?Why does it matter?Why is perceiving a path so important to me?What is my bliss?Why do I want to run?So yeah, working towards that whole introspection thing.Eh.I've pulled 12 pieces I am debating between for Open Mic tomorrow. Scouting is too long and needs to be re-written. Thats not counting stuff in my moleskin book, the stuff I wrote in Boston and LA, including my gah I hate Tyra Banks show piece. Hm. Oh well, guess I'll narrow it down a bit more tomorrow.Hm, I may have to go quietly consult my pillow before I fall asleep. Doc apt in the morning, I will kick this bug, I will kick this bug.