Journals from the Lair of a Dominatrix
Thursday July 22nd, 12:30pm – Hotel Room in Redmond
The Dungeon is prepared. It’s curious… the transformation of a standard hotel room into a place ready for debauchery and bondage. Tools laid out, music system set and playing, furniture moved into place. I, even in casual flowing garb, become Goddess, become Diva, become Domina. I become the bestower of fantasy. I create fantasy, I develop desire into fruition. I become more than I am.
I’m still getting used to the face in the mirror, her kohl and turquoise trimmed eyes, shaved head, somewhat sad smile and weighed down ears echoing years catching up with me. This fall I’ll have been on the earth this time around for a quarter of a century… it doesn’t seem real. My eyes and years of experience tell a tale that should have me in my thirties… and yet I feel so impossibly young some days. But not today.
“I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me to see the beauty in the world through my own eyes. You used to rock me in the cradle of your arms. You said you’d hold me until the pains of life were gone. You said you’d comfort me in times like these and now I need you, now I need you, and you’re gone… I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me to see the beauty in the world through my own eyes. I thought that you were gone, but now I know you are with me, you are the voice that whispers all that I need to hear. I know a please, a thank you and a smile will take me far. I know that I am you and you are me and we are one. I know that who I am is numbered in each grain of sand. I know that I’ve been blessed again and over again.”- Wanting Memories, Sweet Honey in the Rock
I keep thinking of the Davids in my life. Two that touched me beyond belief. Two Davids that broke my heart and exposed my raw longing to the glare of the world. One beneath a bridge and in a stairwell as the storm raged on in our hearts and in the night sky around us. One fighting demons real and imagined and a long distance phone call trying desperately to pray that things would change. One likely dead long ago, one soon to be released from prison if he hasn’t been let go already. I keep thinking of the mythic in my life and the realities of death, AIDS, love and mystery. The jealousies of the heart, the jealousies of the universe, the truths we cry for and the goodbyes we say in our lives.
But now is not a time for sorrow or the “what if” game. Now is a time to become more, and I pull their strength into me, I pull in memory, pull in desire, pull in the echo of my power from reflection in the mirror, I grin and let the power of my inner humor build me high. I am Goddess, I am Diva, I am Domina.
***2:30pm
I’ve just created a really lovely mummy. He’s bound first in blue hemp (arms crossed, cock and balls tied, ankles bound), then covered in a pink encasement stocking that is tied at head and foot, then wrapped in purple saran wrap, then a series of natural hemp and sea green ropes are wrapped about the form like a giant Japanese Christmas present. Such peace. Such grace.
***4:30pm
Unwrapped, unbound, showered and washed of my pressures and my designs, he walks out the doors with a smile on his face and blisters on his back. Fantasy creator. Dream maker. Furry is on his way back, then off to dinner… fears, desires, hopes and dreams at every turn… I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me.