Deep funk leads to introspection on Work

I am in an awful funk at this exact moment. I dropped about 2 hours ago. Maybe less. It was a bad drop. Maybe its my bad eating habits as of late (eating maybe 1 meal a day). Maybe its not being whirlwind and my system wanting to crash. Maybe its an effect of having 3 deeply physically challenged people in my home (2 who live here, one visiting). Maybe its watching too much of Heros season 1 on DVD. Not sure.Learning to edit homemade smut has been fun though.Someone dear to me in an email recently said that the universe makes me do all sorts of "crazy woo woo" shit, but that I love doing that stuff.That is not true.How do I explain to those who are not god/spirit bothered that having to wake up at 3 am, leave your body, and go do work that seems bloody well pointless all night long is taxing, annoying, and horrible. How do I explain that having to give away money to strangers sucks on my finances? That I have to take jobs I want to throw back in the face of organizers who deeply disrespect me, but that this stupid fucking universal good light goes off and tells me, no, I have to be there to change one specific life. That I have to get up and leave dinner sometimes to wander in a daze for miles to have to literally move one brick to a different pile of bricks then chat with a cat to have them help me break into a building, leave it unlocked, then go tell some homeless guys where the space is so that they can go crash there... and then come back to dinner?I do not love doing this stuff.Yes, at times it is nice to have proof that I am changing the world.But 50% of the time, when the duty light goes off, I do NOT get proof of anything. I feel like a raving lunatic, a madman, a fool. I find myself angry and pissed off, and then I let it go because its part of being collared to Her.And I love Her.I love Mama Bear.I am deeply devoted to her, and its curious, I can have verging on sexual/sensual relationships with other deities and spirits- but not her. Never. I've tried going there a few times, with other bear workers... but its not right. My own inner aspect of Bear as a totem and shapeshifting work is one thing, but Her- no. Its strange- I've even had a lover who was also a Bear shaman, and we can't do magic of any sort between us if there is a charge of sexuality in the air that involves Her.She's my mother, and like my biological mother, I just won't go there- but I would drop everything if she were in need. For those who know the "no, thats my MUUUUTHER" story, feel free to laugh.I do this work because it is important. Because I must.Because I must.Like Orion Foxwood so eloquently reminded me last weekend, "The Spirit World is NOT democratic. .. your spiritual work is not volunteer."How else do I explain it without seeming mad?This is my path.I walk it.Because I must.I find glimpses of joy, and deeper truths than I had thought possible, but I did not choose this. Those who believe deeply in the law of attraction, who believe we attract all we have in our lives, even the worst of our pain, might disagree. But you believe deeply in a spiritual self journey setting, and I know in my core that this time around, I have work to do. I can control the hours I work sometimes, but this work- I can't quit.Or perhaps I am mad, its always a possibility.