Travel Report: Hartford, New York, Philly

They stand at the front of the space, one clad in a purple ballgown, and the other in a gold toga. Ivy flowing and framing their faces, and smile stretched across their faces. Simple purple decorations around a suspension frame create their bower as an officiant is wearing a miniature top hat above very ample cleavage and a corset. On each side of the bride and groom stand their assorted parties – a naughty fetish nurse, a man dressed as a giant can of whipped cream, a Top Gun fighter pilot, a Catholic priest, and folks in simple gothic clothing.The wedding was beautiful.Yesterday we found ourselves in Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love and sisterly affection. I have not been here since the Philadelphia Trans Health Conference, an event that really shook up my world. But this time it was for the book tour – the fourth city in this whirlwind adventure. And the wedding was at the Halloween party Stern was hosting. But it was not a lark. It was a touching wedding and handfasting, with the community holding space for these two bonding in holy matrimony.We left Boston on Thursday afternoon and winged our way to Hartford, Connecticut. DaSade met us at the station, where we packed everything snugly into his car and headed off to have hibachi and sushi. It was perfect timing, arriving at The Society in time to wander the space, set up, and hug assorted folks on the Board of Directors there that I knew.Folks who have never been to The Society are often surprised to find such a good-sized and well-equipped space in Connecticut of all places. As you wander in through airlock-style double doors you are greeted and checked in. The space is for members or pre-registered guests only, except for nights like tonight where folks from all over are ushered in as a way to offer education to the community at large. On the right is a social area and coat space, and on the left a medical play space. Further in a silent play area, a porn viewing space… all before hitting the main area. The space opens up to an area with frames, crosses, bondage chairs complete with head boxes, wrestling areas, and off in the righthand room an age play area. In the far back is another social space, a full kitchen, snack area… it’s a really lovely community gathering place and place for erotic encounters.The class, “Deviant Douchebaggery,” touches a raw nerve in the kink community. We like to think that alternative sexuality populations are somehow more enlightened, more caring, more evolved. But the reality is that we are not a utopia- we are a microcosm. Everything that happens in the world at large happens here as well. You will run into douchebags… and there is a good chance that at some point in your kink career, you will be (seen as) a douchebag too.Hearts and tales were shared. Ideas were brainstormed. Those wounds had a chance to be flushed out, with the hope that a healthy scab can form and healing can begin.Mollena and I stayed up that night having quality, and sometimes hilarious, conversations with our hosts. Crashing out it was another day of travel. A city a day, the mantra will repeat as we go.New York! I ran off to do errands, and Mo headed home for a bit. Back together it is off to Paddles, a dungeon in Manhattan that has been in operation since 1984. 28 years. I remember coming to this space over a decade ago with Boymeat and DeLano in turn, with ropes flying and my feet being tortured until I came. The space echoes with memory, that of myself and of the thousands of individuals who have passed through the doors at the bottom of the stairs over the years. So many stairs. Unlike The Society, Paddles is far from handicap accessible. Two flights of stairs are tricky for those in wheelchairs.I mention that because there has been a really intense conversation over the years amongst my peership about the issue of accessibility in the kink communities. Accessibility for individuals with disabilities, accessibility for people of color (PoC), accessibility for gender non-conforming persons. When the pansexual community is sometimes read as “heterosexual white men and their heterosexual and bisexual female partners” in some parts of the united states, it makes  creating an inviting space for queer folks and gay men tricky as well – even if they are completely welcome. Perceptions in many populations can affect accessibility, including the perceptions of those who feel marginalized. But physical factors, prejudice, discomfort, or not understanding the issues at hand for various populations can cause serious challenges.It was a fun night though. Sir_Viktor at Dom Sub Friends was the consummate host, leaving Mollena laughing out loud with his eastern European style of humor. The negotiation class went into slightly different details than it did in Boston, but the spirit was much the same. I totally loved that there was a guy in the balcony who, every time I mentioned something charged for me, was like “yeah, totally.” I felt very seen in those moments, and sometimes that can help me feel connected… not just some talking head hired to amuse the masses.That is part of my emotional journey. That feeling of being seen as a vending machine rather than as a person. But, I know sometimes that I put myself there. And so it is.In the evening we crashed out with the fantastic Laura Antoniou and her partner, and then wham, off to Philadelphia. We debuted the co-taught version of my “Rope for Power Exchange” class at Sexploratorium – it was a very different feel compared to me doing it solo. Super-fun getting rope on Mo.  Despite having known each other for years, we have never played. Who knows, it may just happen this trip :)There was a hilarious moment that rings in my mind. There were two African American students in the front row, and at one point we had each pair of students practice tying a chest harness while we all stood in a circle with the riggers/rope tops getting to face where I was tying. Mo was facing the wall, as was one of these students. Suddenly I hear behind me “that’s right, we know this pose, don’t we? Hands up against the wall!” And Mo and the student burst out in laughter. Half the room laughed out loud as well… the folks who are PoC or have friends who are. The other half was profoundly uncomfortable. In my head I found myself thinking about events like Black Beat, whose focus is kinky PoC, thinking about privilege and language in our communities, thinking about how many Caucasian folks say “we are kinky” as compared to Latino or Black folks I know who say “this is just how we fuck, we aren’t necessarily kinky.”  Identity as compared to behavior.And then, that night, off to the party/wedding, after stopping at Jim’s Philly Cheesesteaks. Because really, you can’t go to Philly without having one.