Being Human

The dungeon is brighter than I like, but I understand. Photography is allowed in the space (of your scenes only), and most folks don't have high-end flashes.We are on one of the larger suspension frames. It has been ages since we have done suspension play together, and it's being a hard fit on both of us. We try pose after pose, and it just isn't clicking. His body is contorted, beautiful, but uncomfortable... not that hot uncomfortable, but that "this just sucks" uncomfortable. I ask if we can move it to floor bondage.Across the dungeon is some floor mats - perfect! I leave his arms tied, and start cleaning up our space. I slide my suspension ring out of the way (the universal sign, it seems, for "go ahead and use the space"), push the not-rope stuff we own into a pile out of the way, and put my rope bag in my lover's teeth. His jaw strains a bit against the weight of it all, but follows closely after me.Someone strolls up to me. They have been on staff over the years, so I am wondering if it is a dungeon/staff related issue, as I am clearly in the middle of playing.Instead, they ask me if I can suspend them.My lover is only a foot or two behind me, bound, carrying our rope bag.I loose it. Not violently, but my voice raises and I tell them to fuck off, and go the fuck away from me, as I am clearly in the middle of playing.  I walk away towards the space I am heading for.It was not my most graceful moment.Later that night the person comes up to apologize. They say they are new to all of this, and it wasn't his fault, but he apologizes. I point out that he may be new to playing, but he is not new to dungeons or events, and he should know better than to interrupt scenes with such a question. He balks, is angry at me, and I turn back to what I was doing.I was angry. It was not my most graceful moment.I am human, or at least a close facsimile.There seems to be an expectation that presenters, community leaders and old-school perverts are supposed to be bastions of good behavior at all times in the community. We are looked up to. We are supposed to set the standard.We should play safe, sane and consensual.We should be civil, polite and understanding.We should...We should all over ourselves.But my reality at least is that there are moments where I am human. I go down on my partner without a dental damn in dungeons sometimes (making sure not to kiss anyone else the rest of the evening). I have accidents, and communication misunderstandings. I overstep the lines of folks I love, and try my damnest to make amends.I get upset at folks who interrupt my scenes.A different scene, a different dungeon. I am tied up in a partial suspension, balanced on one foot. I am being single-tailed in the cunt (as you do). We are on the center frame of the dungeon, and folks gather around to watch.I have empathy for them. They probably thought it was a show, as it was two presenters in the center of the dungeon. But when they started verbally engaging in the scene, saying "come on, you can do it," and other points of encouragement (and the occasional jeer, like "come on, can't you take it?") I did not handle it well.I spun around and said loudly something to the effect of "fuck you motherfuckers, fuck the fuck off my scene," and then spun back around to my top (who was still single-tailing me I believe) and screamed "bring it" at him.Not my most graceful moment.I am working on how to communicate better when in altered states of consciousness, with more grace and understanding. But part of my journey of being human is that I have strong verbal reactions at times to having my altered states interfered with. Sub/Bottom space. Top/Rope space. Trances and spiritual offerings. Performances. Hanging on hooks. I just don't handle having them interrupted without good cause. And yes, there are very good causes. Police on site. Insurance issues. Noise complaints (in some cases). Venue concerns. Energetic conflicts. Angry land wights. All reasonable, and that I am happy to come out of an altered state for.But when unneeded, I actively admit, I am sometimes not at my most graceful.I beat myself up after the interactions listed above. What is wrong with me? How can I be the community example others expect me to be. And then friends pointed out that I am human, or at least a close facsimile.That does not excuse the behavior.I do not want to be forgiven, because I am striving towards leaving the world a better place than I found it.And yet, this is a reminder to myself... that this is part of being human.