Barebacking, "Safer" Sex, and Judgement
Over on Facebook, I made the following comment/post/statement:
Am I the only one who gets skeeved out when folks post fetlife vids of bareback sex with folks they just met that night at a swingers party?
It led to *quite* the flurry of responses. I realized that my responses were being much lengthier than the post was going to be handlable with, and that I had more thoughts about it all, so I’ve decided to come over here and blog.Bareback sex is cultural slang for skin-on-skin penetrative sex without "protection". IE "to ride a horse bareback" is to horse ride without a saddle. There are barebacking communities where condoms are never used. Some people fluid bond within relationships and then choose to bareback. The challenge with the term barebacking is that different folks define "unprotected" sex differently.So, what is unprotected sex?Some refer to it as vaginal/anal without barriers.Others are referring to vaginal/anal/oral/fingers in any direction without condoms, gloves, or dental dams.Still others consider French kissing to be fluid-exchange, and thus unprotected sex, since an infection of HSV1 can be acquired from French kissing, which can then be passed on to another partner via oral sex in some cases.This conversation thus can get confusing, if folks have so many different definitions as to what unprotected sex even is. If I ask someone if they engage in safer sex practices, and they say yes, what does that mean to them? If I mean that even French kissing is not okay outside of fluid-bonded relationship, and what you think we mean is that we will use condoms for fucking someone in a lower-body orifices, this becomes not just awkward, but potentially dangerous.Mind you, barrier protected sex is just one approach to STDs. Some use the “I trust my partners and the people I play with” approach, whether in monogamous partnership or group play. Some use the “body wisdom” approach, boosting their immune system, avoiding any sexual contact when not at optimum health, and learning signs of less than optimum health in partners. Some use the “medical checkup” model, getting tested regularly for a variety of STDs.But as Deborah Anapol commented in October 2010:
None of these are perfect and they are not mutually exclusive. They all have their pitfalls – condoms can break, partners can lie or be lied to, immune systems can break down, lust can overcome good judgment, etc. As a result, using several of them is probably the safest strategy.
However, I grew up with death from AIDS as part of my teenage experience. That around especially street punks and men playing with men, it was right there. It is strange to me when I meet folks who have not had first-hand experience around folks who are HIV+ in their lives... it has just been a part of my social life over the years.I grew up with the message being “wrap it before you tap it,” “no glove no love.” Condoms or nothing. But that was for vaginal and anal sex. Oral on guys sometimes, but not always, depending on who you talked to. Most folks at the time were saying “at least when having anal or vaginal sex,” not what would be ideal. This was important, because of the movement at the same time of good Christian girls having unprotected anal sex as a way to “stay a virgin,” and the belief that only anal sex between gay men was somehow an issue for HIV transmission. Then it was gay men and junkies seroconverting. But we’re not at risk, not us. Whoever us is.As Iamari said to me recently:
I was in high school in the late 80's and we got the whole deal that antibiotics were no longer the worst case scenario (right behind pregnancy) of unprotected sex. Now, sex was deadly. There was no cure. No treatment. We had nothing and it was terrifying. I don't think that kind of message just goes away.
A number of years ago I went to a swingers club. When I was there, I saw a hot scene. A guy was going back and forth between three women, giving them each head. Their cunts writhed against his face, cum dripping down his chin of each of the 3 ladies. After they were done, he then introduced himself. And the 3 women introduced themselves to each other.My stomach dropped out, and my eyes were wide. My head was reeling. What? Did they think that only men’s body fluids are worth concern for any STDs? Gah…So I asked an owner of a swingers club what they did to reduce STD concerns amongst patrons. Did they require everyone to have up to date tests? What was their approach?He said that it wasn’t a concern because they didn’t let any gay or bisexual men into the club.First, what the fuck.Second, what the fuck, and how do you know?And third, what the fuck you fucking fuck. Do you really think that no one else has STDs? What the fucking fuck?I just nodded my head down and said that that approach does not reduce the chances of so many diseases like syphilis, gonorrhea, herpes and more. He rolled his eyes and commented that everyone makes their own choices.As leaders of sexuality populations though, those that watch follow our lead.And yet, I find the concept hot at times. That porn that squicks me out when I have a context of it being strangers at a swingers club… if I had not known that – I likely would have jerked off to it.People have the right to fuck how they fuck.As Heron Saline said in the blog reply:
Folks make their own choices, informed well or not, all the time, and they get to. That's called living.
Being squicked is a form of judgment. My being squicked about someone else’s behavior has little to nothing to do with that person or their choices. It has to do with my own reaction to my own story. It has to do with the journey I am going on inside my own head.They are fucking how they want to fuck. They are living.And I am living by having responses to the characters in my own head, influenced by the life I have lead.And yet, I find myself squicked. When I am not turned on. When I am not angry. When I am not fascinated. When I am not sad. When I am not processing it all.And yeah, I get angry. I see young men say that HIV is a manageable disease, so what is the big deal. That don’t get that it can be multi-layer infected on top of itself. That HIV+HepC sucks all the more. And yeah, I get sad when folks I adore talk about having unprotected sex with folks they don’t know, because I want them to be alive for me to know, want them to be healthy and whole. Saying that they did not get anything before so it won’t happen this time is a form of Gambler’s fallacy. The odds reset each time.And yeah, I get turned on. The visuals, the taboo, the storyline about intimacy that I know is false. Just because someone uses a condom does not mean it is any less intimate folks. Can we get over that story already? But I know the storyline is somewhere in my head. And yeah, I get fascinated by there being a culture of it, by people making these choices, by part of me wondering about what life might look like if I cared less.And yeah, I process it all. Regularly.So I ask myself and those around me: What does sex look like for you? What sexual and sensual practices do you engage in? What does safer sex look like for you? What is your approach concerning sexuality to take care of yourselves, your body, your heart, your being, your partners, your life…We all just keep talking.I try not to make judgments. But I know I do. I know I do. So I hope folks bear with me too. I’m not telling anyone what to do. Everyone has the right to make their own choices for themselves, for serious. “An it harm none, do what ye will.” Just remember, you count amongst the “none.” And so do I.And we figure it out one breath, one moan, one orgasm, one connection at a time.