A Transgender Primer
(Updated 26 March 2025)
It's a topic that has been on a lot of minds recently.
When I first wrote this primer, Caitlyn Jenner had recent award on ESPN, Laverne Cox was starring on Orange is the New Black, Aydian Dowling had placed for the Men's Health Magazine cover, and Janet Mock was busy doing activism and writing on trans women. It was hard not to have transgender issues at the forefront of a lot of minds. The week I wrote it even the Anchorage Press ran a cover story on being transgender in Alaska (5th worst state to be so by the way - people can loose their housing, jobs and custody over being trans).
And, in 2025, it is even more of topic in the public sphere and in private discourse alike.
Before I wrote this primer, I was interviewed by the wonderful Dr. Martha Tara Lee for her radio show, Erotic Evolution on transgender journeys and orientation. An hour later, I had a question come up on Facebook about the difference between being transgender and gay, and whether someone who considered themselves transgender was gay or not. Left, right, and center I was and am still asked to be a voice for transgender issues. This is not something I asked for - I just happen to be a sexuality educator who happens to be a transgender man.
When I transitioned, I was suddenly expected to speak on behalf of all trans people just because I had already been speaking on other topics concerning relationships, sexuality, identity, and authenticity. Not because I had focused on it in academic work or as a long-standing expert… simply because I had decided to transition from the gender I was assigned at birth to the gender I knew myself to be. Luckily, I had been weighing out my decision around whether or not to transition for over a decade, did know a bundle, and took it under my belt to learn more. And? I learn more each day from each person I meet.
Just like racial fatigue exists (the concept that talking about race for people who live with it every day is exhausting), I believe transgender fatigue exists too. Being asked in the bathroom if we have the matching ID. Being asked to explain our history. Fearing that we might be bullied and beaten (or killed), and having to speak out for our safety. Having to fight for our basic human rights and having laws passed that affect our capacity to exist. Just answering the question "are you a boy or a girl" can be tiring. Thus, I created this primer so that individuals who have transgender fatigue to pull up and hand to folks. So that those who want to "get it" can get a handle on it. Because we can each evolve, learn and grow. Because we all deserve to live in a more compassionate world.
What is transgender?
Transgender is an umbrella term for all concepts of gender difference, variance, identity and whatnot other that the base assumption in our culture of penis=boy=male=man and vulva=girl=woman=female. Transgender/transsexual (moving from one experience of their sex/body configuration to that of the binary “opposite” sex/body configuration), agendered (a person with no personal gender, or believes their bodily gender has little to do with their identity), gender queer (a person working beyond the concept of gender binaries), gender fluid (a person who flows back and forth between genders), non-binary (a person who exists outside of the idea of binary gender, neither man nor woman), and other forms of gender expression and experience all fit within and under this umbrella term called "transgender," or “trans” for short.
The language is confusing.
It can be. It can even be confusing for transgender people.
Trans in transgender stands for "opposite," just like "transatlantic" means “opposite side of the Atlantic Ocean.” Academically speaking, "cisgender" is the terminology used for "same," meaning that if you are cisgender your assigned gender (what is on your birth certificate) is the same as how you identify.
Thus, a person is transgender (an adjective/experience), or a transgender individual. They are not "a transgender" (a noun). A person might or might not be transsexual, which can be used as an adjective or as a noun. Some people like the term transgender, some people do not.
Trans was a shorthand term that was developed as a shorthand for everything under the transgender umbrella.
An individual is not "transing," they are transitioning. They are not "going trans," they are trans.
Remember, this is the language being used in English-speaking countries. There is a wide variety of terminology used worldwide, including gender choices beyond "man" and "woman," and saying that other terms are wrong can be harmful to other cultures.
If someone has not had surgeries, are they transgender?
When being reductive down to body parts, it invalidates everyone’s experiences. Saying that “real women can reproduce” invalidates cisgender women who are infertile. Stating that “real men have big hard penises” invalidates cisgender men with erectile dysfunction or small phalluses.
For transsexual individuals (who, medically speaking, are moving from one gender to another using medical intervention), some have surgical procedures, some do not. That may be because of finances, health issues (people who surgeries can literally kill because of blood clotting concerns for example), or unhappiness with potential outcomes. Gender Reaffirming Surgeries (GRS) and Sexual Reassignment Surgeries (SRS) are not a quick and easy change, and are a deeply personal and complex topic that each individual will need to make for themselves in connection with what options exist at this time. This is not nearly as simple as "going and having a surgery." It is a lengthy, complex process that may or may not exist in some cases.
Not every person wants to have medical interventions, whether hormones, surgeries, or an array of other things. This is true for transgender people just as much as cisgender people. Yes, cisgender people have gender reaffirming care too, like breast augmentation, taking hormones beyond what their body produces, hair transplants, and having care to assist in sexual function.
Before you go asking questions about someone's medical choices and surgeries, take a moment and really consider whether you ask other people about their medical choices and surgeries. Do you ask cisgender people about their genitals? Probably not. Thus, unless there is an appropriate reason (like being someone’s medical provider who is giving care that applies to the topic), it isn't polite to ask a transgender individual about their medical choices and genitals either.
Can kids be transgender?
There are children who at a very young age have pinpointed that they were "born in the wrong body," and are considered transgender youth. Some experience themselves as not liking "girly activities" or "boy activities" which is about activities being percieved as being assigned “appropriateness” in our culture, not necessarily about being transgender. For example, someone wanting to wear a dress is not about wanting to be a girl - it just means they like dresses. Meanwhile, knowing you are a boy, girl, or non-binary (not a girl or boy) has nothing to do with what you wear - after all, socks are not inherently one gender or another based on their pattern.
Not everyone identifies with the “born in the wrong body” model. Some folks believe they were simply “born this way.” Others come to understand their gender over time by realizing their are more options than just what they were told as a kid. This is true no matter whether a kid is cisgender (“I didn’t know girls could be engineers”) or transgender (“I didn’t know that it is okay to be a boy like me.”)
Is being transgender about being a boy or girl, or about gendered activities?
Construction work has been labeled by our culture as being things that boys do, or sewing is something girls do - which often gets mixed in with conversations around gender expression and transgender experience. There are cisgender women (using academic term above, which some deeply dislike in daily use, and others find helpful) who thrive as construction workers. There are cisgender men who thrive behind the sewing machine. These individuals are not necessarily transsexual or transgender. They are most likely people who like specific activities and/or are very good at them.
This goes for clothes as well. Just because a man likes wearing dresses or women like putting on makeup to create a beard. Those are behaviors and forms of gender expression, drag, fashion, or cross-dressing, which may or may not be part of a person's gender identity. Just 100 years ago in the West, women wanting to wear pants was seen as transgressive or even wrong for their gender.
These things are different than individuals who know their body is not right, and/or being the gender they are perceived as is not right. They know it on a core level. Some know it as children. Some figure it out as teens. Some come to face it as adults as they learn the language around it. Some dance back and forth with gender throughout their whole lives.
There is no wrong way to be transgender. In fact, there some who will know the term transgender during their journey, and some, like Caitlyn Jenner, did not meet another person who was like them until they were in their 50s, having struggled with their truth their whole life thinking they were the only one. It is very possible that more people are coming out as trans not because there are more trans people, but because people are exposed to terms for folks like themselves and learn that they are not alone.
This mirrors the concept that when people stopped being hard on children for being left-handed, the number of people reported being left-handed went up. This is not because being left-handed was suddenly more trendy. It is because people learned that they were not the only left-handed people out there, and that they didn’t have to work hard their whole life hiding that they are left-handed.
What terms do I use for a transgender individual?
Ask the person what terms they prefer. How do they want to be addressed?
This begins with their name. Some people choose a new name when they “socially transition” or “come out” - a time where they may or may not be choosing to undergo a “medical transition” of some sort. If this is a new name to you, practice it when they are not around to make sure you get it right. When our friend “William” wants to start going by “Bill” we make that change with them. The same can be true for any name change.
The next is pronouns. A pronoun is a term we use to fill in for a person’s name in a sentence, such as she/her/hers, he/him/his, or they/them/theirs. Some people think that last one is only for folks we don’t know, but we use it all the time for our friends and family too. First-person gender-neutral pronouns have been in the English language since the 14th century!
Some people use other pronouns like ze/zim/zir, e/im/ir, or don’t use pronouns at all and just want you to use their name instead. You may also meet folks who have two sets of pronouns to choose from and will say they use they/he pronouns, for example. Just like with new names, practice is key. When they are not around, practice using their name (“Bill went to the grocery store”) and pronoun (“where they got chocolate before going back to their house”), and when other folks use their former name (“You mean Bill, right?”).
Do not just ask “what pronoun do you use” to the folks you think “might be trans.” You can’t know what a trans person looks like. Yes, there are people who may be more androgynous or present in ways that are creatively gender expressive. However, there are people who use they/them that look and dress in an array of ways, and we can’t know what any person might use unless we ask (or potentially notice what the people closest to them use). This is true for names (“I use Bill, but my closest friends call me Billy”), pronouns (“I use they/them pronouns”), and honorifics (the term at the front of their name, like Senator, Your Honor, Mrs., Miss, Mr., or Mx. - the gender neutral honorific).
Are transgender people gay?
Sexual orientation is about who you are attracted to. This language, like the language above, varies by culture. Within the often Caucasian, American internet culture, being a man who is attracted to men makes you gay or bisexual. However, in some African American communities, it is seen that there are men who have sex with men - breaking it down by activity not identity. Some of these men are gay, some are "on the down low," and some are “bisexual but hetero-romantic.” In a currently running trans women's group in New York, interviewed women said they were still gay, even though they slept with men, because they were part of gay culture and gay was a label they fought so hard for.
A teenage individual who has transitioned from female to male (medical/social history), is a boy (gender). Thus, in this discussion and the culture you are part, this boy (how they identify) is attracted to boys, and thus would be identified as gay. Or MSM (men who have sex with men). Or straight (if going by history or experience of their genitals). Or, they might identify as a teenager who likes people.
Some transgender women like men. Some like women. Some are attracted to people in general. Some transgender men like women. Some like men. Some are attracted to people in general. It's just like everyone else on the planet.
Why do the labels even matter?
Labels are used in lots of ways. As a tool for us to sort out our own brain (“This person is trans”). As a way we make decisions (“They are trans, we should make sure they will be comfortable in this space”). As terms we refer to people when they are not around (“You know, the trans guy”… which is kind of like saying “the black guy”). As something we tell people they are (“You are trans”). As something we tell others we are (“I am trans”). As something we tell our peers who will "get it" what we all are (“We are all trans”). As a way we think in our head (“Am I trans?”).
When asking if someone is trans, consider which label you are asking about. When we say "labels don't matter," we are saying that a person's self-identity does not matter. If that person says labels don't matter, and you force a label on them, we are saying that their autonomy doesn't matter. Other people's self-labels are not about us, it is about them.
There are some labels that are insider language within the transgender community that may feel offensive if used by an outsider on them (eg "tranny"), much in the same way that the N word applies in racial discussions. And, both of these are highly offensive even between people in that community. There are some people who have a medical history that involves needing medical procedures to "correct the body they were born with" who do not believe they are transgender and do not like the use of the term trans at all on or for them. Labels are a delicate issue at times, and in the current shifting culture around gender, they will likely continue to shift over time.
How can I support a transgender individual?
The fact that you are already looking into these issues and expanding your knowledge is a great start.
Here are a few things you can do:
Refer to them by the name and pronoun they prefer. If you make a mistake, instead of saying I'm sorry multiple times (that puts the spotlight on you and not their needs), take the effort to correct your action now and not do it again.
Do not disclose their medical and gender history. Just as some people don't want other people to know about their private lives, this is private too, and people can be hurt by having their gender history disclosed without asking them first. This applies when talking with someone about them being trans, and in not sharing their past name with anyone.
Help guide conversations about transgender topics and shut down anti-transgender statements. Even at work, you can do this through little comments like "I don't think their history is my business" or "there is only one toilet in there, why not make it a gender neutral one."
Be patient with someone who is figuring out their journey. This process is deeply personal and being told that they need to "figure it out already" or telling a person you "know what gender they are" can be harmful.
Listen to transgender people. Let their stories inform you of the world from a different viewpoint and history. It's amazing how rich it can be.
Avoid compliments like "I would have never known you were a guy" or "Even without your binder you pass." They may be meant as helpful or loving comments, but unfortunately points out that someone is different and can come off as judgmental.
Read other resources for allies like the GLAAD allies tips and questions about transgender kids from PFLAG NYC, and become aware of the variety of gender activists out there.
Fight against the array of harmful legislation being levied against transgender individuals. Legislators sometimes listen to cisgender people in ways they won’t listen to trans people. Your voice matters.
Be compassionate with the individual and yourself. Everyone is adjusting.
