But i know i saw it clearly through your eyes...

I am torn between running and stayingfighting and fleeing and passing out in exhaustionI am a lonely creature working a thousand hours a day for things I could care less aboutand what things give me joyI can not seem to make intothe realityI was promisedI am going deafI ask the world to repeat itselfI repeat myselfI grind downgrind inrepeat and grind furtheruntil smooth as a worn pennyI am left on the streetand swept awayOptions paths open before meand yetI can choose none that answerthe needs I haveMove to SFmake more moneyget the health care I needand yetif I move aloneI will be aloneif I move with FurryI will put away no moneyto buy the house I must supplyfrom my own coffersbefore being given a childStay in Portlandgrind forward at minimum wagehaving to keep working day jobplus all my other projectsjust to make ends meetlet alone thriveoh to thriveIf onlyifStay in Portlandquit the day jobtry to go back to what I've doneknowing that I am going nowherefastFleeI can feel madness creeping backand I am terrifiedI am going deafand I am terrifiedI have lost so much of my sexualityand I am terrifiedof my own shadowthrough the crack in the doorand scream outhuddle into a ballfearful of my own shadowmy own lovemy own loverfearful of his silent stepshe comes in like a ghostand I fall into his armswhile pushing him awaybecause I have lost his love to the computerbecause I have lost my love to the energy it takes to keep typingkeep typingkeep processingkeep advertistingkeep at itkeep goingkeep on swimmingWe are silent wallsat and for each otherdesires turn to distrustand lonlinessas he cringes from my screamsand I cringe from his silenceand soon we are nothingbut three walls between our furious keyboardsAdd insult to injuryadd a dolar to a dimeand a fear to a tearand I fight the urgefight the needto scream againI misslazy morningsmud faeriesmadmenlate night chatslong songsforgotten mysteriesand your cock between my lipsI missyour hair brushing down my bodyknowing it will be alrightyou holding me back from the edgeinstead of just hoping I don't jump this timeI want us backI want languid lustI want bare cocksI want to slip under the firmament of dreamI want to trustI want to not feel that at ever momentI loose another opportunityto the ravishes of ageInsteadwrapped in pink yoga clothesI crytear after tearand contemplate runningrunningand sketch the paths I could godebate how many bags I have in the closetand wishjust wishI could roll back the clocksBut it's a lieisn;t itas alwaysI never want to roll back clocksfor just yesterdayI learned 3 new things by bedtime-how to cook smelt in 2 different ways-that I adore fresh cherries-that Arete means "overall quality and aptitude" in GreekI don't want to roll back timeI don't want to runI want to be held in your armsand not worrywith every breaththat I will not be able to affordpillsa roof over my headan unborn uncreated childs day campretirementKiss mepleasekiss meand tell mewe can make it workand yet I cryaloneas you sleepexhaustedsilent3 walls away.I typedreamcryscreamexustedsilent3 walls away.I hate feeling like I've grown up too fast. 25. 25 and needing a house, needing medical care, needing to not work 70+ hours a week, needing to sleep.