Consent, Trust, and Power - March 14 Newsletter

News & Appearances
Written By Lee Harrington

Hello Beautiful Beings,

I was on a panel this weekend for TASHRA about the complexities of full time authority transfer relationships as well as what is referred to as consensual non consent [CNC] scenes and relationships. These are both also sometimes thought of as "no-safewords" intimacy and dynamics. 

A safeword is a word, cue, or tool used to denote when someone needs to communicate the need to pause or stop whatever action might be taking place. Most relationships have some form of safeword - "we need to talk" or not wearing our wedding ring on a given day for example - and it is common in most kink play using everything from the color "red" to someone dropping a bandanna as a cue of what is happening inside their mind and heart.

The notion that someone might not have a safeword is often frowned upon, but this is because people don't look at the complexities of who and how people create these scenes and dynamics. Over the course of this panel, the theme I saw the five of us come to over and over again was trust. It can be possible for some people because of trust.

If I know my partner knows that if they cause me serious bodily harm it will affect my ability to work the next day, if we have decided on doing something without a safeword, it means I am trusting that they will make a choice for our activities together based on that knowledge (and that they will either ask for information or assess how my body is even doing). In a relationship without safewords I am trusting that the person surrendering to my needs and desires will not, if we break up, declare that their regret for activities was me actually taking advantage of them. Trust.

Trust in relationships is a powerful thing, but in these kinds of play or authority transfer it becomes especially important because serious stakes are on the line. I am risking bodily harm, social damage, legal risk, and how we even relate to each other as individuals. "I trusted it" can be hard to come back from if that trust is broken, and thus doing this sort of play is a serious decision to make.

You don't have to be in a full time (or "24/7") dynamic to enjoy power exchange and authority transfer in relationships and play though. For example, you might say "for the next five minutes I don't care how you complain, I will do what I want to you." The other person then consents to "with what I know of my partner, their ethics, morals, their knowledge of me, their desires and how they fit with mine, how do I feel about this?" You might even clarify to offer a potential seatbelt or training wheels. This might include "would you like me to let you know if something might cause harm physically or mentally?" And if they say yes, make sure to clarify whether that is a "and you will then stop," thus being a form of extended safeword, or whether it is a "and you will then make a decision based on the new information.

If doing this for 5 minutes isn't a fit, that doesn't mean you don't have trust in your relationship. It means you might enjoy sharing active streams of information about your internal experiences. It might mean it doesn't turn you on. It might mean a thousand other things.

Also, if you are considering any of these types of play or dynamics... know WHY. It's not always about it being "no safeword." It might be about a THOUSAND other things. During the panel the impeccable Lola Jean introduced the Kink Feelings Chart as a fantastic tool to help ask that question of why - both to share with yourself and your partner, but maybe also talk out loud the topic with a friend or a kink-aware therapist (though note, just like not all kinky people are okay with this sort of play or relationship, this is also true of therapists).

Kink Feelings Chart: https://www.7daysofdomination.com/kinkfeelingschart

Whether you choose to have no-safewords be fulltime or something that is a regular occurrence in your usually egalitarian relationship or partnership between equals, know that it is not the "norm" as it can sometimes be used as an excuse for abusive behaviors or dynamics. Have a system of people around you to navigate the question of how you build yours, or other tools to lean on. If you are trying to figure out your route, come join us May 8-10th at Delving into Power, a 3-day power-exchange and authority transfer dynamic weekend for singles, pairs, leather/polyamorous families to navigate an array of topics together.

In the meantime, looking to read some more on these topics, check out some of these fantastic books:

And check out the fantastic "Consent Dojo" series by Midori, with the newest interview being about Disability & Intimacy interviewing Margaret Andersen:
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLaxv6fBRPDerp7kcFFEDD1f_KcZR9oW5S
 

THIS WEEKEND!!!

Twisted Leprechaun
Limited tickets available, ticket sales close TONIGHT - March 14th
LIVE in Philadelphia, PA
March 15th-17th
Teaching "Primal Play: Hunter, Hunted, Predator, Prey" and "What's Leather Got To Do With It? Leather Identity, Fetish, Sex, and Soul"
Click here to register

"How involved we are doesn’t always reflect how kinky we are, or how committed we are to our kink identities. There are folks who get their freak on every day and yet are not a part of the community, and there are people who are profoundly involved with the community who very rarely engage in scenes or 'play.'"

Get a Copy Playing Well With Others Here!

Lee's recent podcast and media appearances

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In the past few weeks over on Patreon, I have had a chance to connect with my Patrons regularly through:

Join the Patreon!

Upcoming Classes and Appearances 


Gender Dysphoria to Gender Euphoria
March 23rd
2-4p PT, 5-7p ET
Online Worldwide
Click here for tickets

When discussing transgender experience, there is often a focus on gender dysphoria, the distress someone experiences due to a mismatch between their gender identity and their sex assigned at birth. But what about gender euphoria and the powerful joys that can come during the varieties of transgender and gender expansive experiences? In this discussion/class we will look at the diverse types of dysphoria before diving into the power and beauty possible when we are seen in our gender or can find the power possible in the journeys we are on. Though this discussion will center the voices of transgender, gender non-conforming, non-binary, and gender expansive individuals, people of all gender experiences are welcome, as well as partners and allies of those on diverse gender journeys.


Simplest Toybag: Creative Use for One Piece of Rope
March 25th, 5-7p PST, 8-10p EST
Online Worldwide
Click here for tickets

Ever tire of hauling around tons of toys? Ever consider just grabbing a piece or two of rope, and calling that your toybag? Now you can. From leashes to improvised whips, nooses and garrotes to gags to blindfolds, instant vibrator to genital torture device, rope has so many more possibilities to be used in a scene. Bring one 15-30 foot piece of rope for playing along. It’s time to learn some new tricks for an old friend, your favorite piece of rope!


Approaches to Oral Sex
April 9th
8-10p CET, 12-2p MST
Online Worldwide
Click here for Tickets

People engage in oral sex for so many reasons… but how do we get our desires met and explore with partners? Whether you are new, or a seasoned fan looking for new ideas, this class works beyond the belief that one size fits all – let’s make this type of play the right fit for you! Deemed illegal or immoral in some cultures while seen as commonplace or a cultural norm in others, oral to genital stimulation is a tool for erotic expression that has many techniques to explore. Whether you see it as “third base” or “the most intimate type of passion,” let us explore the double (or triple) standards based on gender and genital configuration (from diverse cisgender male and female to trans and intersex bodies), and the medical realities present in this sort of play. Each of us has favorite skills and approaches too, so we will share descriptions of skills with each other (no live demonstration or nudity during the discussion, though props will be shown), talk about diverse anatomy and interests, and dive into our passions (and turn-offs) concerning this sort of sexual activity.


Approaches to Designing Adult Learning Classes
April 9th
5-7p PST, 8-10EST
Online class available to Lee's Patreon subscribers at the Passion Level or Higher
Sign up for Lee's Patreon here

There are many ways to design classes – what are yours? Let us take apart what our goals are as educators (and as students), what we know about (or need to research), what our presentation styles are, and how this affects what we will even include in constructing excellent education. There are a wide variety of course building approaches from goal deconstructed backwards to stacking tools up until you figure out what will fit in a time slot… and many more! Let’s share tools, brainstorm ideas, and even peek into how we are modifying our design process (and what we need to keep in mind) based on teaching online. This discussion is about education by adults, for adults, and does not address teaching for youth. The presenter teaches as a sexuality, spirituality, and gender educator, and thus examples from the presenter and attendees may include examples of kink, ritual, or other age 18+ topics.

I also have other classes and events coming in the next few months!

You can see a few of my upcoming offerings below, and you can visit my Upcoming Appearances page to learn about the rest of my future offerings.
 
Much love to you all and see you soon!
 
Yours in Passion and Soul,
Lee Harrington
http://www.PassionAndSoul.com

Lee Harrington
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Conversations and Curiosity - February 9 Newsletter