“I want to write to write.”

In the United States, I have a close friend named Jim Forest. When I first met him eight years ago, he was working with the Catholic Peace Fellowship. Last winter, Jim came to visit. I usually wash the dishes after we’ve finished the evening meal, before sitting down an d drinking tea with everyone also. One night, Jim asked if he might do the dishes. I said, “Go ahead, but if you wash the dishes you must know the way to wash them.” Jim replied, “Come on, you think I don’t know how to wash the dishes?” I answered, “There…

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Letting Go Of Judgment

I was writing today… such a simple thing hit me full force in my body, aching and quaking in my skin. What I wrote: If we go into judgemental behavior, think “huh, that was judgmental” rather than “I am such an ass for being judgmental.”  The first is an action, the second is an identity.  The first is what happened, the second is a story about it. I added the lines after I paused, and realized what I had just written. How often have I said “I am stupid,” “I am afraid,” “I am…” I am not these things.  They…

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Transitional Fetishes

I am delighted that fall has come in New York.  Like my friend Boymeatwho dances each time it turns to late spring and early summer, I am delighted because one of my historical fetishes becomes common, rather than rare.  The fetish?  Sweaters. Boymeat’s fetish is for feet, something everyone who knows him seems to know.  He even teaches classes on foot fetishism for Tops- hurting feet, tormenting feet, being sexual with feet.  There is a perception in kink circles that all foot fetishists are submissive or Bottoms.  This is not the case, and I am grateful that Boymeat is out…

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Trickle

Another waiting room, another round of the same, the new. When facing the shadow of our own truth, where do we turn? Inward – Outward – Through Chapter 7 becomes a reflection in the mirror, judgement and projection painted upon my brow. Who do we become, when we are but ourselves? The screen clouds, chairs thrown, brows sweaty with my own fear. Love consumes, holds, pulls us out of the spiral.  A flurry of I’m sorry catches me and pulls me in. And yet, the burning question- when and how to forgive the self? Until I do, the rest is…

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Distraction

I have had guilt over a processing tool I use. Distraction. Over the years I have had a number of different individuals, when I hit an emotional spiral and am spinning with my issues, say I have to keep digging.  I do, and I spiral deeper, deeper, into an emotional abyss- brands on my arms a regular reminder that I can pull myself out of the ocean of my heart. So I sometimes distract myself.  Get up, move, do something different.  Put the emotions on pause, partially dissociate from the experience for a moment, and go do something.  Hang some…

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Listening to my Exhaustion

Our bodies have profound wisdom. This skin suit we have is so full of information, capacity, knowledge… it picks up things we could never hear, never see.  It understands things our conscious mind is never aware of.  I am blessed by my body, blessed for my body. And yet, how often have I not listened? I work contract projects.  I get hired to come in, do a thing, and leave.  And yet, to teach that class, run that ritual, facilitate that discussion, drive that intensive… there is hours, days, weeks or even months of work in advance.  A 2 hour…

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Mental Health and Sacred Kink

This morning I got an email asking why I singled out folk with mental illness as something to “watch out for,” when it comes to working with Sacred Kink, in my book “Sacred Kink: The Eightfold Paths of BDSM and Beyond.”  I speed-responded to the individual, then went back to the manuscript and made sure I was citing myself properly. They meant the following segment However, not everyone heeds that call. Some individuals get so caught up in what they are doing that their connection with a partner in a Sacred Kink arrangement can go from being mutually beneficial for…

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Journaling on my Journal?

Back in the day this journal used to be my journal.  In 1998 I put up “Welcome to the MortalCity,” an homage to my sexual journey and Dar Williams.  Back on the PC-EZ servers.  Early edgy sexuality journal voices, our voices echoing back and forth to each other across the pixels and poor layouts that seemed so refined for the time. 13 years later, it has shifted from MortalCity to RopeLover to PassionAndSoul.  The names alone are a story of my life- from goth childling to adult performer to cosmopolitan sadhu.  I write introspective pieces that will reach out to…

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How was the event?

On the drive back from Dark Odyssey: Fusion, my friend asked me “So, how was the event?  Did you have fun?” My Boy piped up and asked if he could answer it for me.  Out of sheer amusement, I said yes.  He said not really, as I was too busy running everything. My brain stops, I pause, I consider… and I say I disagree. I had a very different time than the average attendee might have, but I enjoyed the fact that I got to facilitate amazing experiences for others- and for me, the fact that I got to play…

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The Debt Spiral and Sadness

This morning, I had it inferred to me, more than subtly, that since I an not financially well off, I am a poor choice in partner.  This was one of their concerns, along with my gender stuff, and some of my health stuff… and though those last two hurt, the first one really triggered me.  I talked through some of it, but journals are journals for a reason, so here on my journal I will vent and stomp for a bit.  And hopefully find some peace. When I was 11 or 12 (time slips, moves, like a river stream), my…

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