“A bucket is not a river.” -JD Lenzen
My friend JD, author of Soft Candy and fantastic artist, said this to me the other day as we discussed life, rope, philosophy and more. He was speaking of his experience giving kids tours of wilderness areas. Each child scooped up a bucket full of sand, rocks, small animals and water from the river to examine the details of each, learn the names and truths of the watery world. As the kids were doing so, he looked around. It struck him…
Kids, is the bucket a river?
Look around you. That log there is totally new to me, it must have come down stream in the last storm. The river changes all the time. When we scoop out stuff with a bucket we can get the idea of the ingredients of the river, but not the true nature of the river. The river keeps growing, changing, and living.
And JD pointed out, so do each of us. Thank you JD.
“A river without banks is a swamp.” -Ming Destiny
I thrive and move, I change and grow. I am fast at some points, calm at others. I have dimensions, even as they shift and change and grow. Thank you Ming.
I sit here with wet canvases processing. I am splattered and thinking. I find myself thinking of Atem, of the truths inherit in created being and wisdom, passion processed in language. I find myself thinking of value and valuing.
Tonight I watched Coraline curled up with a friend. I was distressed at this being a childrens movie. But more than that I found myself reflecting on San Francisco, on Melbourne, on men, on relationships, on sex, on the nature of desire and the access to my desires.
While in San Francisco I found myself pondering, would $500+ more a month be worth it just to get laid on a regular basis. Its not just sex there. Its the fact that I don’t have to explain my history to connect. It is drum beats and energy breaths. Ok, it is also sex any time I basically want it.
Many other places in the world I feel I need to negotiate with every breath. I find myself around men who are not sure how to proceed, or if they should- conflicted men. I want hedonistic men, powerful men… both as lovers and as partners.
My realization has been that I am sexually and emotionally attracted to power. Its not about Dominance or submission, though that is fantastic as well. Its that if you are going to take control of me I need to truly believe that you have the power to do that. Physical power is one option, but so is mental power, social power, emotional power. This applies for those who bottom to me as well- why would I want to possess you if you have no power, strength or value? Why would I want to invest even an hour on you if you believe that you are worthless? Do you truly think I want to spend myself in such ways?
I’ve spent a lot of energy in my life into those who don’t value themselves. I have also been incredibly blessed with some amazingly powerful individuals.
I want individuals in my life with clarity and vision. With integrity and power. With passion and desire. With honor and drive. With love and purpose.
I want myself to have all of those as well, and more.
Closing my eyes and the drums are beating. After the energy pull, we break and then come back for the heart circle. Gadamyne breaks my head open with serpents and venom, and I proceed to cry, open up and tell recent truths. Afterward one of the more beautiful men I have ever met, wrapped in dragon ink, holds me tight and his fists land between shooting stars.
Closing my eyes and the bed is slick. After midnight cheers I’m downstairs and am flirting with long curls and an amazing smile. We escape upstairs and I remember what being a filthy pig looks like, remember what dancing with strangers looks like, remember how hilarious and perfect it all is as he stares me in the eyes and moans erupt.
“The flow of passion motivates and empowers. Congruence adds power and energy to attention. Passion is the electricity that flows along the wire of language. Passion with rapport is charisma, seduction, and love. Passion with trance is ecstasy. Passion is an aphrodisiac that helps populate the planet and the muse that motivates the artist to completion. It is the essence of emotion itself.” -Philip Farber, from “Meta-Magic: the Book of ATEM
Passion and Soul. I believe in a soul, in an eternal essence of being that lights us each up and connects us with ourselves and with all. I believe in passion, the juice that enables that essence to do and create and manifest within and without.