Han Solo, Magick, and Erotic Skillbuilding

Hello beautiful beings,

This weekend I had the honor of co-teaching “Turning It Around: Switching Places in the Bedroom” with Ms. Cenna at the Virtual Intimacy Retreat. Having 20+ passionate people open up about their nervousness around sharing their fantasies and desires, as well as their uncertainties around how to deliver those desires, was really beautiful. One of the things we talked about was what I call the “Hans Solo Effect,” where people who grew up during and after Star Wars saw a leading man approach a dominant woman and do some toxic and yet sexy behavior. 

Hans comes before Leia and says, effectively, “you want me.” She says no, and he corners her, pressing again. Yes, you do. No, I don’t. Then he pushes her closer and kisses her, hard. She struggles, resists, and then swoons and kisses back.

Is it any wonder that we have women who expect men to read their mines and play hard to get, expecting men to “take them,” while men are set into a story where men are supposed to dominate and take what they want? This happens time and time again throughout our media, where depictions of consent is deeply problematic? It is a reflection of a tale that women should save themselves for marriage, while men should go out and sow their wild oats. Where women should be innocent, and men experienced. When women who explore sexually are hos, and men who do are studs.

I am loving seeing examples of consent being broken down in healthier ways in culture. Television series like Big Mouth and Daybreak are all showing teens exploring consent and these complex issues with a mix of fuck ups and grace alike, showing teens (and everyone else watching) that consent is important, that trust matters, that there are diverse tools for exploring consent.

What are you doing in your sexual encounters to establish consent, as well as share your fantasies?

If you have ever had your sexual consent violated (especially in the kink or polyamory communities), or have been the one who (consciously or on accident) violated someone’s consent, it can be a long road to healing and/or changing how we approach these issues in the future. Dossie Easton (co-author of The Ethical Slut) and her amazing team are now hosting quarterly cohorts doing healing for both sides of this issue – check out this amazing program here: https://navigating-consent.com

Over the next two weeks I am teaching or leading a *lot* of classes, discussion groups, hosting demos, and even being part of a Sacred Kink Q&A! This week, come join me at: 

  • Continued Discussions on Sex Magick
    September 23, 2020 (1-2:30p Pacific, 3-4:30p Central, 4-5:30p Eastern)
    Share on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/events/375240233477101/ 
    Share on Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/events/939653 
    Join Zoom Meeting
    Meeting ID: 243 929 4154
    Password: 136777love
    There are so many topics concerning sex magic that it is impossible to cover them at one time. Thus, during Lee’s Wednesday discussion series class “Erotic Alchemy: An Introduction to Sex Magick and Sacred Sex” last month, we decided to schedule this spin-off conversation. Just one day after the Autumnal Equinox (Spring for our friends south of the equator), we will be discussing issues around astral sex, sex magic and chemical usage, and sexual connections with spirits, deities, and the dead. Whether you were with us for August’s discussion or not, join us for this unique conversation and knowledge/technique sharing.
  • The Queerness of Magic, The Magic of Queerness
    With Wicked Grounds
    September 24, 2020 (6-8p Pacific, 8-10p Central, 9-11p Eastern)
    Buy your tickets at: https://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/4733074 
    Share on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/events/2645010799082922/ 
    Share on Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/events/934772 
    Do you usually take lead in life, your relationship, or the bedroom… but there are activities you like to receive or “bottom” to? Are you concerned that receiving them will make your partner think of you differently? Do you tend to follow or bottom, but want to provide delight for your partner and don’t know how? You are not alone! Through discussing our fears and sharing tips and tricks (and trying a few), we will discover ways to switch it up, have more confidence doing so, and acknowledge the vulnerability it takes to share these desires in the first place.
  • Beyond Bowed Heads: Rituals for Dominance and Submission (and the World at Large)
    Online – ++Cleveland Area Only++
    With Academy of Fetish Arts 
    September 26, 2020 (2-4p Central, 3-5p Eastern)
    Share on Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/events/936040  
    Rituals are a key part of any D/s relationship, whether acknowledged or otherwise. From casual kisses at the door to formal slave poses, ritual objects such as collars to slave contracts, the BDSM world is rife with concepts of ritual – but what is a ritual? What are the levels of ritualistic interaction we have between one another? Let’s look at our rituals in day to day life (including how to get out of work or parent space), sacred time, intense connection, erotic play, solidifying relationships, changes within relationships, and the taboo subject of the devastating loss of a relationship or its natural end. From terminology to developing codes of ethical interaction, this class covers a bevy of styles and types of interpersonal reactions that can help everyone in a relationship examine what they are already doing, and what they want to build together.
  • Be Yourself or Something Else: An Introduction to Erotic Roleplaying 
    With Black Thorn
    September 26, 2020 (5-7pPacific, 7-9p Central, 8-10p Eastern)
    Buy your tickets: https://black-thorn.org/events/2020-09-26-be-yourself-or-someone-else-an-introduction-to-erotic-roleplaying 
    Share on Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/events/936145
    So you’ve decided that it could be fun to do some roleplaying, but aren’t sure where to go with it? Let’s develop some skills together! Using classical evocation skills, we will work to pull upon our sensuality, anger, sadness, and other feelings on command. Evocation is an amazing tool for pulling out our own inner Daddy, pony, Goddess, or slave. We can then turn to the idea of invocation, to tap into personal, cultural, and universal archetypes as well as other concepts that we are drawn to. Just because it’s not inside you, doesn’t mean you can’t, through some simple exercises and brainstorming, learn how to “draw it down” and be yourself or be somebody else!

Next Sunday I will be part of a variety of programming at Folsom Street Fair. Usually Folsom is an event of 400,000 people that take over 13 square blocks of San Francisco for leather, kink, and a celebration of independent expression. From vendors to live music, demonstration booths to random occurrences, it is quite the spectacle… and this year they are taking it on line! Teaching “Crotch Ropes and Butt Bondage” for the Black Thorn Community Room, “Self-Bondage Chest and Body Harnesses” for the Twisted Windows Community Room, and appearing on a “Sacred Kink Q&A” in the Wicked Grounds Community Room. It is all donation-based, and hope to see y’all tune in from around the world!

I also have other classes and events coming up in the next few weeks that you may be interested in:

To check out other classes ana appearances, visit my Upcoming Appearances page to learn more. From there you can sign up for my free newsletter as well. To enjoy further free material from me, consider joining me over on Patreon as well 🙂

Much love to you all and see you soon!

Yours in Passion and Soul,

Lee Harrington



Lee Harrington

Lee Harrington is an internationally known sexuality, relationships, and personal authenticity educator. Having taught in all 50 states and in 6 countries, he brings a combination of playful engagement and thoughtful academic dialogue to a broad audience. An award-winning author and editor on gender, sexual, and sacred experience, his books include “Traversing Gender: Understanding Transgender Journeys,” and "Sacred Kink: The Eightfold Paths of BDSM and Beyond," among many other titles. He has been blogging online since 1998, and been teaching worldwide since 2001. Welcome to his world, and your chance to expand your mind and heart alike.

Comments are closed.