I dreamed of hair, of knees, of orange and of the feel of spandex. I dreamed of waking worlds and Midori wearing a very colorful polka dot large hat. I dreamed of theatre shows and someone at my side. I dreamed of monstorous abysses… and when I awoke I read jaguar’s journal, having slept in 2 hours past when I planned- and it read of feathered beds.
I need to work on my energy blocks.
I need to work on fear.
I shared some of my recent visions and unusual psychic and magikal happenings with the Furry One in the last few days. I’d already shared some of them with Hellasdottir and a few other will workers. That was easy. I’d already shared some of them with Duncan. That was hard, but made easier by the fact that he is deeply spiritual and we get a lot of the same truths. I shared some of them with Scout, and that was hard, but it was one evening of both of us sharing back and forth a lot of energy, tears, fears, and love… so it came out, along with some of my mental health stuff and my faith rant and we laughed, we cried, we saved fifty bucks. Saying god is love, god is blood… where the fuck is Mother Zosima nowadays anyway?
But sharing them with him was hard. He’s seen me at some of my worst when it comes to mental health issues, and thus when I feel the world providing me with a spiritual journey that has the trappings of me being or at least seeming crazy (I close my eyes and am feeling people again, seeing them outside themselves, moving energy again, having confessions from strangers again, having truths of the universe laid out, having travel itineraries set and sculls delivered to the door, see rings and interwoven journeys, and know I have to change the world- the issues in a nutshell, help help I’m in a nutshell)- I get very concerned. He does not like high drama or high maintanence people. He perceives me as medium maintanence. Thus, in the last year or so when I have felt emotionally high drama I back away when possible. This puts up walls. This, in the long term, does not work I am finding.
But what to do?
I am not asking for advice per se, but if there are shamans, energy workers, sex workers, will workers, psychics or others with specific case in point empathy, ideas are appreciated.
I’ve been debating about grad school for over 6 years now. At least the end of 2007 it is going off the plate. I have to focus on my energetic work, my teaching, my writing, and for now, my smut (as a tool for reaching the masses). I need to go to Keeper’s Crossing. I need to go to PantheaCon next year. I need to meet with and discuss reality with folks along the road.
I now have three serious romantic relationships in Portland. This is challenging time-wise, specially if 2006 is going to have me on the road as much as I expect it to, and with how draining I feel this year will likely be. But In the past two weeks alone Scout has saved my ass from the break-down fire at least five times, and I do not believe in coincidences any more. Football mums. Hoochie mama rings. Stockings. Street urchins with bus pass gifts. What a good boy what a strong boy what a pretty boy. Good girl. Paths overlaping paths and my face and experiences reflected back.
I am two-spirit. Some days, I let myself drown my other self and I feel like Beast Phoenix (yes I am a geek) devouring himself. I can not devour Brian. I am. Both. So many of my loves and lovers haave been treating Brian like a dress up roll, a drag king persona, but I am. I look in the mirror and the sight of my body as is sends me into challenges, issues, emotional turmoil and the wall goes up again. Build another foot. Add razor wire.
I am blessed that I am both a drag queen and at heart, am also deeply femme at times. I am both sides of one coin. I am both, and both are truth. I am very deeply aware that my energetic block has to do with that issue, that I can not work through it as just heads or tails, I must wear my copper, my nickle, my two headed self as my self to be full.
At the age of 18, when I realized after 10 years that medical science at that time could not give me the cock I wanted, I decided not to transition. I simultaneously travelled overseas and met Marcus, who saw me and labeled me as 100% female, and told me to grow out my hair. I dove head long into the passion of service and femininity. And yet, on the pier outside Galway, I let it slip when no one but a stranger saw. And yet, under the cemetary in Gleann Cholm Cille surrounded by ghosts, I let it slip when her eyes were bound and she screamed out.
At the age of 21/22, I realized, after Marcus had left me, I had to come to grips with my gender duality. I debated transition again, actively, in my own mind. And then I met Fakir. Fakir Musafar, with Cleo Dubois and their crew, were doing a branding night at the temple of atonement where I was in service as a priestess and nomad mama, and I knew I had to be part of that night. I talked with Mistress Eva Destruction, and she agreed, and she also set up a women’s only branding ceremony for the next day.
The day of the branding night I fasted and focussed, I payed and swayed and did my work. I was branded just after midnight surrounded by thousands in a very masculine energy space in the depth of night with the space lit by fire. I screamed. I cried. There were 30+ othr people who were branded that night… many laughed, joked, smiled- I cried and meditated and screamed. Furry watched, understood, and kept watch for me.
The next day, just after noon, we were going to have the women’s branding ceremony. 30 minutes to ceremony time there was a knock on the Temple door. Someone got the door and told me it was for me. i walked out. It was Marcus. I had put off any sort of branding out of hope that he would some day ask for me back, that he would brand me (a tale for a different day, or hell, it may be in the journal if you scroll back over the past 8 yars of journal on here). We spoke of ducks and mistakes, jazz bars and forgiveness (he lived in the uk btw). He said goodbye and I came back into the temple, tears streaming down my face. Alexi Ninetails leapt up and offered to beat the shit out of him for me. I waved him away.
With the sun high in the sky I got my second brand, with all women (including F’s other self), talked with F about two spirit nature. I was branded just after noon surrounded by just 4 other women in a very feminine energy space set with incense and kali ma chanting from Cleo and sunlight. I held it in, whimpered, experienced and let it wash over me.
It seems strange to me that 4 years ago I could ask Furry for his aid in these things and yet now there is this wall up. One of th major reasons, I know, is follow-through. He and I have been saying for the past two yars, since leading rituals together at Dark Odysey, that we need to get back involved with the pagan community. That he needs to spend more time with Ross & Diane. That he should take me to an Oregon Hermetic Society meeting. That we should attend community quarter or cross-quarter events. And yet, two years later… I do these things on the road and there has been zero visable movement on the home front. Lack of follow-through is one of my major major pet peeves. It’s come up a lot as of late.
Here is my bio page, it even mentions this pet peeve:
What are your pet peeves?
◊ Folks who don’t show up/are always late.
◊ Lack of follow-through.
◊ Unsolicited Internet Chat Sex
◊ Very messy homes (at least, when I have to be there more than an hour)
◊ Unearned egos
So now I stand, in my same black jeans that seem to have driven it home for me, watching birds sail by and sunshine stream by, and I remember. i realize. I feel. I can feel the sun in my pores. I can feel the light in my spine. I know the stars are right for something… and I am sick of being scared.
Where does that put me? I have no idea. But I have a lot of soul searching to do, and I am being very greatful for some amazing folks in my life. The challenge- continue to pay the bills while I figure out where to go from here. I want to keep ranting about pain as a tool for my visions and spirit, that not being marked and timing my body for porn is killing my soul, and yet here I sit bruised and aware- but I am running out of steam and need to eat.
I want to write so much right now- life porn, love life, visions, travel plans- but for now, I need to just wrap and say thanks for listening.