I have had a lot of sexual fantasies over the years, and heck, I’d say compared to the average person on the street, I’ve done a lot of people’s sexual fantasies at one time or another. I have gone through purity lists like memory lists, and can tangibly recall my friend Julia introducing me to my friend Strider, many years ago at a Leather Retreat. The name, back then, was not Lee.
Julia: “Lee, you need to meet Strider, he is the sickest fuck I know in the NorthEast.”
Strider stood up with pride, a bit of a cocky bulldog, huge smile across his dark features.
Julia: “Strider, you need to meet Lee. He is the sickest fuck I know.”
Huh, what? I was baffled, confused, and Strider was offended. He wanted to be the sickest fuck. He proceeded to name sexual activity after sexual activity. Well heave you, well yes, I have, but that was because this one time…
I have done a lot sexually, and yet, nowadays, I feel like I am fairly boring compared to my more explorational phases. I have sex with my Boy once a week, maybe three times a week on spicy weeks where our schedules and energy allow. It’s mostly cock sucking, with the occasional anal sex, bondage, role playing, and a thick layer of our natural D/s interactions. When I am in San Francisco or Austin, I know I have a warm bed waiting for me from reoccurring lovers from over the years who adore me, and whom I adore in turn. There is the occasional play partner beyond that. But I am not the lover in every port human I used to be.
I have a rich self-sex life, and I have become one of my favorite lovers. It took a while, given that until the age of 18 I could not make myself cum (it took a loving Master ordering me to do so to finally send me over the edge, something I will forever thank Marcus for). I had been cumming with other lovers for some time by then.
But I still have sexual fantasies I really want to do. Things I often get shy saying, because of fear of rejection, or fear that they will be promised to me but not happen (that has happened a LARGE number of times in my life, and it sucks). I tend not to tell folks what I really am looking for, because if I get excited about the possibility, I feel let down if it does not happen. I worry that when I discuss my actual body realities, my health concerns, my safer sex rules, etc, that I may get turned down even after folks get all excited (which has happened many times to be honest). I have moved for the most part to instead speaking desires out loud, and if they happen, cool.
This too, is not the best system. But its what I can do right now emotionally. Some days I go proactive. Today even I took a leap and actually told someone I was flirting with them- and got good response.
I have major challenges with the shopping-list approach to sexual and kink negotiation. Sign up here for a gangbang. Um… gr… just can’t wrap my head around it.
So I have these sexual fantasies… and as I mentioned 2 entries back, I am trying to journal again as a journal, so we’ll see what happens.
Some of my sexual fantasies that I want to have happen (as compared to the ones that I just want to keep hidden in a closet and pull out then put back) are:
- Being bound and left in a dark place for a very long time, until time/space start to slip away, and occasionally be tortured, probed for information, or sexually used. (Would need to be someone who could handle me loosing my shit)
- Center of a group sex pile, cocks in all directions using and fucking me or each other. (I got a slice of this at a LeatherFags party a while back, and would have loved more).
- Being the receptive party of a gang bang (This has happened once for me, back in Vegas in 2003 or 04, and I still am thankful to my 2 lovers and their friend who made it happen, through a series of flukes- though I could have passed on Mortis’ commentary during it)
- Being whipped by 2 single tails at once. (I love single tail bottoming, but have never been hit by two tops at once)
- Having my septum piercing used as a bondage point. (I got it *done* for that reason, it holds a luggage lock, and it still has not happened)
- Being tattoo’d during sexual play or bondage.
- Attending a Fort Troff Maneuvers or similar gay boy mass play party.
- Hanging on flesh hooks over a body of water. (This is less of a sexual fantasy than an emotional one)
- Being drugged and fucked while unconscious.
- Serving as a kitchen-service Boy for a weekend, chained to the kitchen and available on-call for making food, getting drinks, or being of sexual service… chain just long enough to reach the bathroom but no longer.
- Serving as a sacred whore for an extended period again. (which is not currently on my shaman card as it were, but its a good sexual fantasy)
- My body ground down into the ground under someone’s boot as I whimper for air.
- Suspending someone in fishing line only.
- Having my boots blacked and getting my cock sucked off in turns by a pair of hot bootblacks (I’m hoping this will happen at Floating World, hint hint)
So yeah, there is a peek into my scull before bedtime. Who knows, maybe if I speak it it may come into being. Hi, my name is Lee, and I am sometimes awkward and shy.