I found this to be an interesting read. The other night on chat with Hunter, I mentioned that I was debating going to the Master/slave conference in DC as an attende as I wanted to develop some more verbage for my experiences as a Master/Owner, but have no interest in going alone. He and I had discussed him going, but it wouldn’t happen. He stopped and asked if I’d asked the new boy. he meant JCub. I said no, no I hadn’t, as it’s a brand spanking new relationship and I wanted to make sure everything with Hunter and I was good concerning me bringing anyone else in before proposing trips with people, especially after him picking me up post-boston. He said that this was something I needed for my path, that JCub was good for me, and that he loved me very much.
Its been interesting having, well, functional poly. What do I mean by that? Well, partners who actually like each other, or at least can be civil and enjoy the same space, and not try to break each other up or add drama. Furry, Mars and I had that for a bit, and when I had my crazy 6-some before it exploded with huge explosions, that was good… but its just good to have back again if that makes sense. I’ve been dealing recently with too many folks who want me to chase them emotionally, or other stuff, and it was pretty reaffirming- even if JCub and I have no idea what will come next for us. He’s moving from Chico to the bay area, I’m on the road, he has another partner who he is fresh and shiny with who he’s still sorting out things with… I have no expectations except for stability amd communication. It’s amazing how hard that is to get from other folks.
A dearheart of mine recently said:
“I love flying around, traveling, having crazy adventures with the people in my life, surprising them and having randomness- it’s a great break from my day in day out work etc”
“Yes, but my day to day life is crazy random traveling around with adventures- what I NEED out of relationships right now is groundedness, reliability and communication.”
Wow, what a realiziation. Its one of the reasons that formal D/s stuff has been so appealing and fulfilling to me lately. I do not need to see relationships regularly or hear from them every day, but I do NEED to know that they won’t randomly flip out on me (with pre-negotiated exceptions), that they will be there for me, and if they are having issues or need to talk or if things need to change, they can voice that, even if its scary. I can’t keep dumping energy into black holes, chasing people who run away from me, people who expect me to be psychic, or folks who say something because they think its “easier” for me rather than sharing truths. “Easier” rarely is, especially when it is a lie.
If I can’t ask you a direct question and get a direct answer, even if the answer is “I don’t know” or “I can’t talk about it right now,” I can’t do it. I used to accept “I need to think about it,” butthat has extreme time limits now- no I’ll get back to you in 3 months BS. Just can’t do it.
I am demanding, picky, needy- but at least I try to communicate when possible, I try to stay in touch with my relationships even if working long workweeks and hopping 4 flights a week.
The random fuck thing- just not as appealing as it used to be. Not bad, but just not something I’ll chase. I have no energy to chase right now.
Ok, rant over for now.