I was writing today… such a simple thing hit me full force in my body, aching and quaking in my skin.
What I wrote:
If we go into judgemental behavior, think “huh, that was judgmental” rather than “I am such an ass for being judgmental.” The first is an action, the second is an identity. The first is what happened, the second is a story about it.
I added the lines after I paused, and realized what I had just written.
How often have I said “I am stupid,” “I am afraid,” “I am…”
I am not these things. They are not my identity. I am someone who has done stupid things, has felt afraid, has felt and done a thousand things. But these are actions and experiences. They are not who I am.
I am a beautiful being. I am a piece of universal light. I am a fragment of divinity, and in being so, am divine in my own right. I breathe in, and release.
If emotions are a controlling part of our lives, we must become aware of them.
Aware. Mindful. Conscious. Cognizant. Informed.
This is in contrast to being oblivious. But even this is more easily forgivable to my heart than purposefully turning away, hiding in shame of my own emotions. “I should not have felt that way,” my heart says. ” I should not have acted that way,” my mind says. And then my spirit pipes up, tries to cast a different light… and in doing so is pushed down. Buried under shoulds. Buried it sinks in, shinks small. Shrinks in, until the light is buried under the weight of the world and these shoulds.
I turn to my heart, and ask it to acknowledge that it was how I felt.
I turn to my mind, and ask it to acknowledge that it was how I acted.
I can not change these things. They were what they were. But I can move towards a better, brighter tomorrow… and more actively, I can try to be here. Now.
I forgive myself in this, as I endeavor to be here. Be here, now.
This is not a skill I have been the best at through time. I, the time traveler. I the being who has prided himself at being able to put emotions in perfect tupperware, an episode of Eerie Indiana playing out in my heart. I open the seal years later, there it is, my love for you glowing with the same vibrancy. But in this gift a challenge wrapped in a bow- that if I can move back to then so easily, how do I stay here in the now? If I can go into when then will be, how do I stay here in the now?
How do I two-foot, as I have between this world and the realm of spirit? How does that skill apply to this, here, now. For look, the skills are not buried under a stack of books or under the lore of ancients in their towers. We, every one of us, knows how to do this. And yet, such simplicity feels elusive.
Such simple words, complex in the dance of the king of flying butterflies and the queen of breath. I am neither, both. I am a dream and a possibility, and yet, I am here, becoming myself.
Trying, acting, doing.
Letting go of judgment.