Edible Alchemy: Asparagus-Bacon Omelets for 3

I personally believe that cooking is more than an act that enables us to feed our bodies. It nourishes our souls, allows us to offer love to our partners, connect with our friends, and dance in the decadence between the bites. We are questing magi with olive oil and garlic in hand, shamans armed with flour and nutmeg to ward off angry spirits.

Thus I believe in the art of edible alchemy. We have the power to transform base ingredients to a higher purpose, and in my recipes I prefer to thus share more than the ingredients that went in. This first recipe in the Edible Alchemy series thus came to me when given an opportunity to sustain the lives, friendships and joys of friends and more of mine in Maine.

Needed for this recipe:

  • 30 minutes (or an hour if you will be reading a book or simultaneously dealing with email while doing the initial food prep)
  • 3 people whose hearts and lives you want to feed (hopefully including yourself)
  • 6 asparagus stalks (7 if one of them reminds you of an ex-boyfriend that you once had back in London… long, hard, straight…)
  • 3 slices of smoked bacon (best if obtained from a corner shop where people know your name, and if not possible, drooled over for a few days so that the potency of your desire for more tasty bacon is boiling in your blood)
  • 6 eggs from happy chickens
  • One tomato
  • A handful of cilantro
  • Bag of mixed spring greens
  • Sourdough bread leftover from last night’s feasting
  • Parmesean cheese
  • 3 splashes of milk
  • Olive oil
  • Applewood smoked sea salt
  • Cracked black pepper
  • 2 cloves fresh garlic
  • One nonstick saucepan
  • One nonstick frying pan with lid
  • One mixing bowl
  • One garlic press
  • One slotted wood spoon
  • One whisk
  • One flipper/turner
  • a heap of love and sense of humor

Wander into the kitchen while your friends who have been hosting you for the week are upstairs packing their bag for the conference you are all heading towards. It is best if you packed your bags the night before so that after breakfast you can do the dishes and they can continue their panic with full bellies and full hearts. Once in the kitchen get yourself a beverage of your choice (I recommend Moroccan mint tea) and take a deep breath. Absorb one last day in their space and say a prayer under your breath for coming back to Maine and visiting them again. Obviously, if you are not in Maine, insert a location that gives you pleasure… especially if it is your own home- for our own homes should give us pleasure.

Clear off the food prep space and set dirty dishes in the sink to do later. Or do them now, but if so, adjust cooking time above. Run your fingers over the wood cutting board and thank the tree that gave its life as you set out your ingredients and begin your work.

Cut the bacon into small chunks. Bite-size or smaller. This is an art, not a science. As it sticks to your fingers laugh under your breath at the voices upstairs asking where the books that need to be taken were stored. Peel the garlic and set them aside.

Heat up the saucepan with some drizzled olive oil in it to some middle temperate and be amazed at how nifty their flat topped stove is. Press the garlic into the heated oil and mix it around with the wood spoon, being delighted as the garlic hits your nose and the folks upstairs proclaim “yum” within seconds of oil and garlic sensually embracing each other in the pan. Toss in the bacon once the garlic is tan like the girl you had that secret crush on back in Austin. Enjoy the crackle of their threesome, stirring regularly.

While the bacon crisps, start cutting up the asparagus into chunks that make you happy. Be amused about the one that looks like your ex boyfriend. Cut it up anyway. Toss it in with the bacon/olive oil/garlic to create an orgy for the senses.

Put a lid on it, adding a splash of water as you do so to help steam the asparagus while it fries. Keep the eyes on the back of your head on it to make sure nothing sticks or burns to the saucepan… you will have to use that spoon and mix it up from time to time.

Slice up the tomato. Rinse and mince up the handful of cilantro. Slice the 3 pieces of bread from the sourdough round and set these all aside. Check on the orgy.

In the mixing bowl, crack two eggs and add a splash of milk. Make cute patterns in the milk if it makes you happy.

The add some flavored salt. I prefer the Applewood Smoked Salt, but any flavorful smoky salt will work. Brands I enjoy include Artisan Salt Company in Washington and Auntie Arwen’s in Connecticut.

Whisk with abandon. Take the orgy off of heat and let it lay in its own afterglow.

Heat up the frying pan to medium heat. Pour in the egg mixture so that it is even across the base. Let it bubble a bit. Put some water in the edge of the lid (not much at all) then pour it slowly down the side of the pan and quickly put the lid on top. This steams the eggs.

Once the eggs look firm, Take the slotted wood spoon (to drain off the oil) and take about a third of the asparagus bacon mix to put on the left side (right side if a lefty) of the omelet. Add a few pinches of cilantro. Add some slices of tomato. Add some Parmesan cheese. Take a picture (optional).

Grab the flipper and slowly slip it under one side, make an offering to the universe to have this go well, and fold the omelet. I tend to break one out of five or so… so have the broken one be yours when you sit down to eat. Its just as tasty.

Lay out your plates, put on a handful of salad on each, and slide the first omelet onto the first plate. Accidentally drop the bag of salad as you try to put it back in the fridge and have the dogs descent upon it all. This is of course when one of your hosts will come in and let out a howling laughter at it all. Curse it all and ask him to grab a broom. While you repeat the omelet making steps above (minus dropping the salad as that is all done)- bowl, whisk, pour, steam, layer, fold, plate- let him know that its his job to make coffee if the house wants it as he has the coffee magic. Put laughter in kitchen on repeat.

Plate the 2nd and 3rd omelets. While the 3rd one is steaming, throw the bread in the toaster. Set the flavored salt and the pepper on the table and do other table prep. Tell everyone that food is served in 1 minute. Correct yourself and say 2 minutes.

Tell them out loud how much they mean to you. Smile and consume each others joy between bites of asparagus bacon omelet. Leave with a full belly and a full heart.


Lee Harrington

Lee Harrington is an internationally known sexuality, relationships, and personal authenticity educator. Having taught in all 50 states and in 6 countries, he brings a combination of playful engagement and thoughtful academic dialogue to a broad audience. An award-winning author and editor on gender, sexual, and sacred experience, his books include “Traversing Gender: Understanding Transgender Journeys,” and "Sacred Kink: The Eightfold Paths of BDSM and Beyond," among many other titles. He has been blogging online since 1998, and been teaching worldwide since 2001. Welcome to his world, and your chance to expand your mind and heart alike.

Comments are closed.