But i know i saw it clearly through your eyes…

I am torn between running and staying
fighting and fleeing and passing out in exhaustion

I am a lonely creature working a thousand hours a day for things I could care less about
and what things give me joy
I can not seem to make into
the reality
I was promised

I am going deaf
I ask the world to repeat itself
I repeat myself
I grind down
grind in
repeat and grind further
until smooth as a worn penny
I am left on the street
and swept away

Options paths open before me
and yet
I can choose none that answer
the needs I have

Move to SF
make more money
get the health care I need
and yet
if I move alone
I will be alone
if I move with Furry
I will put away no money
to buy the house I must supply
from my own coffers
before being given a child

Stay in Portland
grind forward at minimum wage
having to keep working day job
plus all my other projects
just to make ends meet
let alone thrive
oh to thrive
If only
if

Stay in Portland
quit the day job
try to go back to what I’ve done
knowing that I am going nowhere
fast

Flee

I can feel madness creeping back
and I am terrified

I am going deaf
and I am terrified

I have lost so much of my sexuality
and I am terrified
of my own shadow
through the crack in the door
and scream out
huddle into a ball
fearful of my own shadow
my own love
my own lover
fearful of his silent steps

he comes in like a ghost
and I fall into his arms
while pushing him away
because I have lost his love to the computer
because I have lost my love to the energy it takes to keep typing
keep typing
keep processing
keep advertisting
keep at it
keep going
keep on swimming

We are silent walls
at and for each other
desires turn to distrust
and lonliness
as he cringes from my screams
and I cringe from his silence
and soon we are nothing
but three walls between our furious keyboards

Add insult to injury
add a dolar to a dime
and a fear to a tear
and I fight the urge
fight the need
to scream again

I miss
lazy mornings
mud faeries
madmen
late night chats
long songs
forgotten mysteries
and your cock between my lips

I miss
your hair brushing down my body
knowing it will be alright
you holding me back from the edge
instead of just hoping I don’t jump this time

I want us back
I want languid lust
I want bare cocks
I want to slip under the firmament of dream
I want to trust
I want to not feel that at ever moment
I loose another opportunity
to the ravishes of age

Instead
wrapped in pink yoga clothes
I cry
tear after tear
and contemplate running
running
and sketch the paths I could go
debate how many bags I have in the closet
and wish
just wish
I could roll back the clocks

But it’s a lie
isn;t it
as always
I never want to roll back clocks
for just yesterday
I learned 3 new things by bedtime
-how to cook smelt in 2 different ways
-that I adore fresh cherries
-that Arete means “overall quality and aptitude” in Greek

I don’t want to roll back time
I don’t want to run
I want to be held in your arms
and not worry
with every breath
that I will not be able to afford
pills
a roof over my head
an unborn uncreated childs day camp
retirement

Kiss me
please
kiss me
and tell me
we can make it work

and yet I cry
alone
as you sleep
exhausted
silent
3 walls away.

I type
dream
cry
scream
exusted
silent
3 walls away.

I hate feeling like I’ve grown up too fast. 25. 25 and needing a house, needing medical care, needing to not work 70+ hours a week, needing to sleep.

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Lee Harrington

Lee Harrington is an internationally known sexuality, relationships, and personal authenticity educator. Having taught in all 50 states and in 6 countries, he brings a combination of playful engagement and thoughtful academic dialogue to a broad audience. An award-winning author and editor on gender, sexual, and sacred experience, his books include “Traversing Gender: Understanding Transgender Journeys,” and "Sacred Kink: The Eightfold Paths of BDSM and Beyond," among many other titles. He has been blogging online since 1998, and been teaching worldwide since 2001. Welcome to his world, and your chance to expand your mind and heart alike.

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